Blog entry for:

after being clean for a bit of time this reading was really an eye opener. not that i have slacked on my daily maintenance, but it made me think about what new patterns have crept into my life for both good and bad.
on the good side of the ledger are continuing and expanding on the behaviors that got me clean to start with namely: daily prayer, consistent meeting attendance, step work, reading the literature and having and using a sponsor to help guide me along the path. step work has added a few more to my daily pattern, meditation and 10th step inventories. and of course, choosing on a daily basis to NOT USE NO MATTER WHAT. i also have learned to make and maintain commitments to the fellowship and those with whom i share my life including being HERE for my employer and those i happen to come across in the course of daily life.
this is but a small part of the positive patterns i have developed over time and if i thought about it i could expand this list ad infinitum. the chain of thought that this reading set in motion was really about the newer patterns that have crept in over time. today my self-evaluations tend to focus on more of the negative behaviors and less on the positive. i am once again holding myself to a higher standard than i hold others to. the second new and disturbing pattern is not saying what i really think. i have found myself refraining from saying anything when i cannot find something positive to say and sugar-coating what i really want to say for fear of causing injury. while discretion in of itself is not a bad thing, i find myself sliding towards erring on the side of discretion more and more, even when directly asked what i really think. the third new pattern that has crept into my life is once again not really expressing how i am doing spiritually, physically and emotionally when someone asks.
all of these indicate that i am being dishonest, and i have found that dishonesty for me can be an extremely slippery slope. little lies and deceits turn into larger ones and before i know it i am in a whole lot of trouble. the last pattern of dishonesty is particularly disturbing because how can anyone help me if i hide what is truly going on inside. well it has been said that knowledge is POWER, and now that i have had a few disturbing revelations, i can use this POWER to ask for help from my sponsor and those i choose to share my life with and start a new pattern of becoming more honest in all my relationships.
-- DT --