ฮผ instead of isolation, I find fellowship. instead of living blindly โฆ
Posted: Wed, Oct 8, 2008 08:10:01 AM
...repeating the same mistakes again and again, i regularly examine myself, free to keep what helps me grow and discard what does not. and now that i am done with my current step work assignment, i find myself free from a whole bunch of stuff that i had tied myself to. a relationship that in which i held myself hostage, the shame of misbehaving, and the idiocy of believing that if i ignored something long enough it would disappear on its own.
i could over the various litany of sins against myself as an example of how addiction was and is still present in my life but a single example is demonstrative enough.
the relationship that was just ended was toxic for me from the start. i was young in recovery when i entered it, and knew absolutely nothing about setting and enforcing boundaries, well i knew, but i was just getting started. over time, i gave more of myself away and allowed myself to become victimized by my desire to please and to be liked. the irony is, that the other member of this relationship was allover that. so the tango started, and as i started to get better and see myself for who i am, the patterns that were set-up in the early phases of this relationship had become written in stone, and were impossible for me the change, so i withdrew, maintained my distance looking for a manner of changing the immutable circumstances that i had created.
well, i for one, am grateful that my dance partner decided that enough is enough and chose to walk away, as i was on the path to see if this relationship could be salvaged. i know today, that for me, GOD provided the best way out, and now i can start over, in a brand new phase. using my history as an example of what not to do, i must create a working relationship that contains boundaries and open, visible expectations, anything less will lead me back into the same toxic places from which i have been freed.
so with the past as my guide, i can see my way clear to breaking the patterns of addiction that are still present in my life today. and as the whole process settles in place and i get through it intact, i can change what i do in the here and now and move forward. am i sad about my loss? strangely no, there is relief within and i am grateful for having had the relationship, after all, i can choose to learn from my mistakes today, and live in a different manner based on the availability of updated information. the old way is not my way today!
i could over the various litany of sins against myself as an example of how addiction was and is still present in my life but a single example is demonstrative enough.
the relationship that was just ended was toxic for me from the start. i was young in recovery when i entered it, and knew absolutely nothing about setting and enforcing boundaries, well i knew, but i was just getting started. over time, i gave more of myself away and allowed myself to become victimized by my desire to please and to be liked. the irony is, that the other member of this relationship was allover that. so the tango started, and as i started to get better and see myself for who i am, the patterns that were set-up in the early phases of this relationship had become written in stone, and were impossible for me the change, so i withdrew, maintained my distance looking for a manner of changing the immutable circumstances that i had created.
well, i for one, am grateful that my dance partner decided that enough is enough and chose to walk away, as i was on the path to see if this relationship could be salvaged. i know today, that for me, GOD provided the best way out, and now i can start over, in a brand new phase. using my history as an example of what not to do, i must create a working relationship that contains boundaries and open, visible expectations, anything less will lead me back into the same toxic places from which i have been freed.
so with the past as my guide, i can see my way clear to breaking the patterns of addiction that are still present in my life today. and as the whole process settles in place and i get through it intact, i can change what i do in the here and now and move forward. am i sad about my loss? strangely no, there is relief within and i am grateful for having had the relationship, after all, i can choose to learn from my mistakes today, and live in a different manner based on the availability of updated information. the old way is not my way today!
∞ DT ∞