Blog entry for:

if i do not use what i have, i will lose it. no may, or probably or possibly here, a definite WILL, which is interesting as there are not many definite statements in the literature. as a matter of fact, sometimes if feels as if the fellowship and its membership do whatever they can to NOT be definite about anything. somehow living in the touchy-feely nebulous world of it may be and we suggest, when they i would have them use words like WILL happen and JUST DO IT.
that is however, a rant for another day, zooming in on what i heard this morning, once i got past the shock of seeing something binary is writing, black and white for those of you who are not hep to geek speak, it seemed more about recurrent themes and patterns in my life, and what i could do to enforce a new regime, as it were.
— whew, that was a long thought —
where am i going? well it brings me back to the theme of “old behavior”. i know i use that term because it takes the sting out of what i am really doing. again, one of those easier softer blows to my oh so fragile ego, that seems incapable of ever standing up to the harsh and brutal stating of just the facts. what i am actually doing, is practicing familiar behaviors, ones that carried me through active addiction, ones that really did protect my fragile ego from the harsh realities of active addiction. i really did need those behaviors back in the day, and when i fall back into them today, i see that i have returned to self-will, as i am afraid of allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life. it really is that simple.
¡OLD BEHAVIORS EQUAL SELF-WILL!
using that term allows me to pretend that i have really let go of my attachment to them and that i am walking the walk, not just hiding behind a façade of smoke and mirrors. it allows me to dismiss doing anything that will foster my uptake of new patterns of living. it keeps me sick and in the long run will kill me, one way or another. no before i hear the wails of pain and protest this is MY OPINION, one that i freely offer, and if you do not like what i am saying, you certainly are welcome to share about it, write about, talk to your sponsor about or whatever you may need to do to process it. i have hidden long enough behind this wall of FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT. if i am ever going to able to move on, i have to let go of procrastination, a familiar and comfortable, old behavior, and accept that as painful as it may be, working the next step is the ONLY way i will EVER get any better. living in the FEAR of reality and acting ‘as-if’ nothing is wrong is living in self-will and a direct contradiction of my THIRD STEP decision.
it is what it is and today i have this choice: continue to rampage along in self-will and denial or accept that is what i have been doing and consciously choose to move along a different path, adopting a pattern of living in tune with the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery? the answer has yet to be revealed, but i am now at least considering the question and the events of today will more than likely turn me in one direction or another -- this is a BINARY, ON-OFF, BLACK OR WHITE decision —SELF-WILL vs GOD's WILL
with that in mind, i think i will shower off, and head on out into this gloomy October Saturday morning. i am ready to have the fog burn off internally and allow the sunlight of the spirit to shine on me, all i have to do is…

∞ DT ∞