Blog entry for:

a sure bet for staying clean, and i cannot predict the future. more than once i have seen someone walk into my home group and think to myself they will never make it to tomorrow. other times i was quite sure that an addict was in a place where this program is going to stick. having been proved wrong, time and again, i am better today in letting go of that first impression and accepting that they are who they are and whether or not they “make it,” is not my stuff. my source material reminded me that the third tradition says the only requirement is a desire to stay clean, and when i jump to a conclusion, i need to return to the place that i have no idea how sincere or strong that desire may be for any addict.
this morning as i sat and went to the void, what kept coming up was what i have to do this week, rather than how i can be more accepting of my peers. the drive to work was uneventful and the stick i chose to get me down here, was certainly the wrong one this morning. i wanted to berate myself for wasting one of my faves, when i certainly could have chosen a better for for the drive. the reality is that some of the time, especially when i am not present for myself, i can move in a direction that is not beneficial for me, and i was not at all present this morning, as my 11th step indicated. the opportunity i have this morning, is to pause, take a breath and see where i am, emotionally and spiritually.
ahh, a little bit better now. it has been a wild ride the last ten days, changing my sponsor, lots of dental work, a tree that needs some tender loving care in my front yard, closing out my Mom's estate and a car that requires a major repair. all of that is just life on its own terms and by fretting and fuming over all of that i have lost my way, temporarily. what i feel i NEED is a major break from life and a huge dip into some sort of mind-numbing escapist activity. i know that is just me reacting to me pretending to be stoic, when i actuality i am sort of a mess and there is certainly a whole lot of unmanageable shit going on. interesting that i am focused on that, as that is my assignment for the 1st Step. where that leaves me is with more than a bit of motivation to at least read the material and begin writing. there are certainly times when i hate being worked by a step and i am certainly being beaten soundly about the head and shoulders by my assignment and as i am fond of repeating when the pain of not doing outweighs the pain of moving forward, it is time to get off my ass and do something. perhaps i should listen and do just that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞