Blog entry for:

the regular maintenance of my recovery. not that i slack very much in maintaining my recovery. this is however, a just for today, and for me on some especially tricky days just for this five minute sort of program. today, may or may not end up being a tricky one for me, but it certainly has all the elements that could send me over the edge. i mean i start a new job, that at least today entails a commute of nearly an hour. i have stuff on my desk that started piling up at the end of last week, i have sponsees who are in the midst of one crisis or another and i could go on and on, about how fVcked-up i could be. the truth is, i am a bit nervous about the new job, a little concerned about the men who have chosen me to help them through the program, and not in the least stressed by the pile of work i am setting aside this morning as i prepare to head on down to Aurora. one may wonder, WTF, in days passed i would have been all over the map, and it is true, in the past i would have been. the only thing that has changed is me, and as i sit here this morning, i am realizing that the little exercise i started at the suggestion of my sponsor, is starting to pay off, i am becoming immunized to the feelings that change brings to me. am i cured? not by a long shot BUT as i type this little ditty this morning, i am not seeking relief from a feeling of impending doom.
now that i have said all of that, what is the maintenance that i seem to need to perform on my recovery program? for me, it is certainly a quick trip through STEPS ONE, TWO, and THREE, in the morning. reminding myself about what power i do not have over addiction, asking for the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide that power, and surrendering my will and my life into the care of that POWER. it may not be 20 minutes of prayer, but the three to five minutes that action takes, is enough for this addict to get up out of bed and get rolling on his day. after i get my coffee started, i read the daily reading and sit quietly for another several minutes, listening for the message of that reading had for me, personally today. and finally i am ready to get started with my day -- all of this before a drop of coffee or food has touched my physical self. being as obsessive as i am, if i miss any little part of this morning ritual, and it has become a ritual, i am way off my rocker and acting crazy, looking for the medicine that won't make me lazy.
i do have a tendency to exaggerate, but i am certain my point was taken.
at the ends of my day, i run this ritual in almost reverse order, i sit quietly and listen for what i did wrong and what i did well, where i could do better and what i have left undone, and most importantly, where i treated myself with respect and worth today, as i have tendency to ignore those sorts of actions. ti then brush my teeth, and lay down thanking the POWER that fuels my recovery for providing me the POWER to go to bed clean, yet another day.
on top of all of that, i do STEP work, go to meetings, do service and help guide others through their 12 STEP journey. so all bragging aside, what looks like on paper a lot to do, really is not that much in the big scheme of things that is my daily life. the little bit of time i invest every day, keeps me in a place where i can live in the real world, and participate in my life, without wreaking havoc upon all that cross my path. so with that in mind, i think i will jump into the shower and head on out to deal with the thousands of others who are commuting to their full-time gigs this morning. after all, it is certainly the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞