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once upon a time, i certainly believed i was a free spirit, spontaneous and not tied to a single set of behaviors. my mistake, way back when, was thinking that using was what set me free and allowed for my so-called care-free life. what i failed to realize was that in my selfish, self-centered haze, i was living a life that was based on getting my net fix and my routine was dictated by what i needed to get and how i was going to get it. although using substances was certainly at the core of my DESIRE, it was not the only driving force in my addiction and by the time i came to recovery i had lost nearly everything i ever valued, especially when it came to being free. behind the smoke and mirrors that my denial constructed and maintained, i was a slave to addiction and the chains got heavier and heavier every single day.
it is not as if i got clean and was instantly freed to live the new pattern of life i was being offered. i felt “trapped” by powers beyond my control and did everything i could to free myself from their clutches, including doing the two fellowship shuffle. playing on TWELVE STEP program against the other, because what they were offering was not compatible with what i believed my life needed to look like. as i drifted away from those i used with, i was hesitant to form new friendships with those i found in the rooms., as i was more than certain i would be ditching them as soon as i could free myself from the legal chains that bound me. ironically those were not the chains that were holding me down and by the time i was released from that bondage, i had found the DESIRE to live in a different manner, the manner suggested by the fellowship that has become my home.
fast forwarding to the here and now, i can say that COVID-19 certainly upended the pattern of my life. all of a sudden going to meetings, hanging with my peers in recovery and serving my fellowship was brought to a complete and absolute halt and i discovered that i was quite unhappy and unfulfilled by what i thought was the life of freedom i had. sitting here, six months later, i can see that i had become a slave to routine and that i needed a worldwide crisis to step out and uncover a new path to freedom, that integrated my previous life in recovery and the new reality. what that means today, is that i still have my daily recovery routine, i attend as many meetings as i can, at least virtually and i commit to the amends i am making to myself. as i wait for the “paint to dry” on an overnight task at work and clean-up, i know that the pattern that i have created out of the mess the world is in today, is certainly, for the most part, more healthy and subject to greater alteration than the patterns that came before it. maintenance means allowing things to change as the events of the day dictate, even when i am resistant to do doing so. OCD-like behavior may have served me well in active addiction and early recovery, but it is time for me to grow out of it and truly experience the freedom of this new pattern of living.

∞ DT ∞