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with that new pattern comes a new meaning to my life, one of light and hope. well this morning i have been dealing with technology issues that are very frustrating, my phone, my computer and on and on. it is hard to see a new pattern when i cannot move forward with the tasks that are on my desk. in fact, if i was still in active addiction i would have already been so high that i would be feeling absolutely no frustration. wait a second, IF i was still in active addiction i would not have these issues to deal with anyhow. i would probably not have the career i have, nor would i have a cool cell phone, much less two computers so i can work whether or not one is acting out. the gifts that i have been given in recovery are the cause of my frustration this morning, and instead of whining about the problems i have been having, i feel the NEED to express my gratitude that at least i have the means to stay clean today, and most of all work towards a solution to the problems i am dealing with.
so let me get back into a new state…
…okay, that did help. i feel a little bit calmer, and a bit more stable.
so anyhow the old patterns of active addiction versus the new patterns of active recovery. i guess the choice is mine on a moment by moment basis. i can allow myself to get swept up in the emotions of unmet expectations and the frustrations and resentments that brings, or i can do as i just did -- take a moment, clear my head, and allow myself a bit of conscious contact, so that i can once again surrender to the flow of what is happening instead of forcing the issue. i know i will be updating my computer in less than two weeks to a brand spanking new operating system, i also know that it had been having issues over the past two weeks that really need to be resolved by a wipe and reinstall, so perhaps today is the day when i have to bite the bullet and take some action. or whatever.
right now i am going to run out and take care of some errands and allow whatever need to happen with the computer to happen. perhaps when i get back i will be able to move on.
after all, beating my head against a wall is a very silly thing to do. part of that old pattern and not how i want to live today.

∞ DT ∞