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that i find that stymies my growth, is part of establishing a new pattern of living. after living a lie and uncovering my shame about doing so, i seem to have come to a place where i expect others to live up to the shame they feel and release it, by talking about it. no matter how i slice and dice it, this is totally unrealistic and i lack the power to make anyone face their innermost selves, i can cajole and manipulate them to no end, but until one is ready to come clean, they will remain stuck where they are. only those who want something more than the same old stuff, will do something to make their lives better and that has to come from within them. i can accept and let go of my feelings, but the truth is, i will never trust them with anything important, because they do not seem to trust themselves. there are more than a few relationships in my life that fit this pattern and each of them presents its own unique set of circumstances that means i cannot throw them into a box and respond in a “cookie-cutter” manner. to be okay with myself, i have to let them find their own path.
this morning what popped off the stack was my reactions to those who want to engage me in conversation, but lack the ability to express their desire to do so. i have never been good at small talk and really find it annoying and pointless for the most part. i am better at these days as i become more social and certainly do see the point, especially in social situations with those i have just met and with whom i need to establish some rapport, which is just about everyone outside of my circle of friends, family members and acquaintances. inside that circle, discussions of the weather and if i had a good or bad day, are mostly annoying to me, as there has to be something real to talk about. once again, those who are stuck there, will remain stuck, because they choose to do so. i choose however, to move on from the mundane and move into a world where there is plenty to look at, uncover, discover and be in awe about.
this morning, on the day after my tooth extraction i am going to walk, rather than run, as it has been less than twenty-four hours since i had yet another tooth removed. i joke about how this is the cost of being the boss of my own life in active addiction, but the sad fact of life is, i chose to ignore my dental health, in active addiction and in recovery. the gift of recovery that i am experiencing now, is the desire to correct that choice and it does not come cheaply. once upon a time i was good with the notion that putting my teeth into a cup every night was not a bad way to live. today, not so much. i want to be able to smile and live a life that includes eating what i choose to eat and having the tools to do so, just for today. i am certainly with the resources i put into that desire.

∞ DT ∞