Blog entry for:

-- a dark, diseased meaning, to be sure. a program of recovery gives me a new pattern of living to replace my old routines, with that new pattern comes a new meaning to my life, one of light and hope.
not that my life is so filled with light and hope that i trip merrily through the days without any worries, less than savory behaviors or darkness. that would be a wonderful thing to say, however it would be untrue. the honest truth is that the new patterns of living, that i espouse, do create a life that certainly has more meaning than that of active addiction. i could go on and on about the patterns of my life, during those years that i used, and it might provide a laugh or two, suffice it to say, that those patterns and that meaning of life for me has been accurately described before, by myself and others. i could also go on and on about how i maintain the patterns of my new life and the meaning of my life as i see it today, and that is also a repetition of what i have written before. so what do i write about this morning?
well what really struck me in the reading this morning is the concept of freedom that has come about as i replaced the patterns of active addiction with the patterns of active recovery. i would have vehemently denied that i was enslaved by anything when i first came to recovery, and i often did. after all i was far to intelligent to be an addict, and it was those who were in the rooms before me that made me an addict. i first admitted to the judge and prosecutor that i was an addict, solely to get an easier, softer trip through the justice system. and i did accomplish my purpose, but as i struggled to come to terms with using against my will, that journey was far from what i imagined. that simple admission, although i believed it was a lie, was my springboard into recovery, and a year later i finally understood that perhaps i was an addict and allowed the program that was being offered me to ooze into my psyche.
today, i understand that a total surrender to the fact that i was and still am an addict allows me the freedom to seek a different manner of living. that manner of living requires that i do certain things on a regular basis. even though, on may argue, that i slavishly follow the suggestions of those who have walked this path before me, i get to choose whether or not i follow those suggestions or not. for the first time in my life, at least since that very first time i picked up, i have the freedom to choose a course of action on a daily basis. i have the freedom to pursue my dreams. i have the freedom to become who i really want to be. all of this was denied me when i was actively using, and the freedom to see beyond my next fix is a gift for which i am grateful for beyond words.
yes the patterns of maintaining my recovery at times feels onerous. yes, living according to spiritual principles can be difficult. and yes, life in recovery is no bed of roses. but i accept that, if i want to keep the gift of freedom, than there are things i must do. just as if i wanted to be free from my conscience and my feelings i had to use every single day. the irony of this whole concept is that if i want to keep my freedom, i have to give it away, freely and without reservations. so here it is, come and get it! if you want what i have , you merely need to ask!

∞ DT ∞