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recovery has brought to my life, is quite a gift and one that i have come to cherish and be grateful for, most of the time. i do slip, now and again, into nostalgic recall and crave the chaos of a life in active addiction, surrounded by those who used as much and as hard as i did.it is interesting to note, that way back when, when i desired to change my how i felt, i simply “stirred the pot” and manipulated others to tip the “apple cart” into a bout of glorious chaos. the “substance” of choice in that instance was the feeling of superiority i got, for bending others to fit my will. that set of behaviors, as gratifying as they once were, still allowed me to be “clean” even though i was being super shady. i would like to say that i have lost the desire to instigate chaos and not suffer the consequences, but i have not, at least not on the level i have lost the desire to use drugs. i CHOOSE, however, not to cave in on that desire and with the help of the POWER that fuels my recovery, that is the general outcome of my days clean.
moving along, because i was in no mood to sit in a room full of tourists, last night, i went to a meeting that i generally do not attend. of course, there was an an addict or three in attendance that i would choose not to ever see again in my life. as a result i almost walked out and was relieved when they chose to depart, without casting their pearls of wisdom before those present. of course, that means i was predisposed to find everything wrong with that meeting, harshly judge everything my peers shared and walk away disgusted and empty. the former two out of three of those dire predilections came true and it was not until i was halfway home, that i realized that despite my best efforts, i did feel a connection and those who were in the room last night, were my peeps.
i have been in a “quiet” phase of my recovery lately, hardly ever sharing anywhere but in my home group and last night was no exception. as i sat there, judging the living sh*t out of everyone and preparing and polishing in my head what i “needed” to share, i realized that opening my mouth to let those “gems” be consumed by my peers, was probably not my own “true” will for myself and i kept that crap inside. oh i could have ignored what i prepared and dropped a few clichés in a “bumper sticker” share, just to show i was alive. i chose however, to play the strong and silent type and mosey on down the road to my home. no chaos, no stirring the pot and no calling out the “sins” of my peers, as i saw them. i had a good night and even though i am now in last place in my Fantasy league, i am okay this morning and ready to roll on in to the office and commence on another long day of the grind which thankfully, is part of my pattern of living today.

∞ DT ∞