Blog entry for:

me grow and discarding what does not. today, i am feeling a bit off. examining what may be going on, i feel that i am having a reaction, emotionally and spiritually to all, the changes in my life, and the emptiness i feel as my amends to myself is well underway and almost complete. it is odd, that as i clean up my past and repair the harm i have done to myself, that i feel less than ecstatic and joyful. maybe, just maybe, the emptiness i feel is a result of an unmet expectation, namely how i am “supposed” to be feeling as opposed to what i am actually feeling. finally after many years of living in FEAR, i can see the end of that particular tunnel and have yet to have that FEAR replaced by HOPE. maybe it is just that i do not know what to do next and i have yet to surrender this new part of me into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. or maybe, i am feeling exactly what i should be feeling and all i need to do is let go of it and just be okay with this new manner of living, just for today. time will tell and as i go through this day, perhaps, some clarity will be revealed.
what also may be happening, is the feelings i have been suppressing over a friend, who seems to be incapable of keeping their side of the street clean. they said something yesterday, which is still ringing in my head. the irony of them saying that they were given no reward for only committing misdemeanors and petty offenses, and how their “criminal” was dogging them, still make me smile. oh yes, after those words were uttered the realized how ridiculous that statement happened to be, and yet still think that they should GET something to to encourage them to keep their crimes below a felony level.
maybe that is what is going on, i am expecting more of a reward for doing the next right thing and moving forward with my life. maybe i am disappointed that i cannot give myself a “a pat on the back,” for creating a stable life that no longer is based on the FEAR of being found out. living as i did, with FEAR as a part of my daily life, perhaps what it is i am feeling is a growing sense of HOPE and FAITH. the emptiness i am feeling is not a lack of feeling, but my inability to detect and name the feelings that are replacing that ever-present FEAR. maybe the anxiety and angst, i think i am feeling, is just the relief i am starting to get from taking care of my bidness and moving forward into forgiving myself for allowing that situation to become such a BIG part of who i am. my identity once based in that FEAR, now needs to find a new anchor and what was once kept on the down-low, no longer holds power over me and i just have to get used to what this new person feels like, just for today.
i can certainly say that i am willing to start the process of trusting someone who has burned me in the past and start to allow them back into my life, but that will be a very slow process, as i am not willing to allow myself to get entangled in their messes that may be coming down the road, i am certain that if i look hard enough i will find enough of my own.

∞ DT ∞