Blog entry for:

almost every experience causes me to remember something from the past or begin projecting into the future. even after working the steps, the temptation for me to dwell in the past or project into the future is great, after all, if i am participating in either of those behaviors, i do not have to deal with the HERE AND NOW! quite a lovely distraction form reality, and one that the part of me i call my disease uses with total abandon. so what is this addict to do? well, i could whine and moan about the unfairness of it all; about how after doing the work, i still have the desire to escape. or i could just quit and move into living my life as a fearful, regretful person, regardless of the spiritual emotional and physical consequences. or i could accept that this behavior is one that is long in going and one that i can choose to participate in or not. each day i stay clean, is yet another chance to learn how to choose what i can act on and i what i will not act on. i have a reservoir of experience, strength and hope on which to draw sustenance from, that was the very first gift of choosing to recover. ah, i here you say, "you have stated more than once that you were forced into recovery, and did not choose to be here willingly."
that is correct, and i could spin it in every possible direction, the truth is that me being forced into abstinence was not the same thing as me choosing to recover. i made a conscious decision to accept recovery well after i was sentenced to abstinence. that sentence did not give me the desire to stay clean, all it provided me was the means to do so. hell, all i wanted to do was comply with my sentence so i could once again be free to live my life as i chose to live it. the ironic part is that did come true, just not in the form i thought it would. if you had asked me ten years ago, after my very first fifth step, if i was going to be clean in 2008, i would have lied and said of course, when i was thinking that there was no f*cking way that particular prophecy would come true. somewhere between than and now, something changed inside of me and that change is the fault of those members who loved me and guided me into a place where i could choose to live a life of a recovering addict. these days i have no doubt that i am an addict, and as a consequence of that knowledge, i get to choose if i want toi live in the HERE and NOW or not. my choice right here and right now is to stay present and move on to the next task of my day. it is after all another good day to recover.

∞ DT ∞