โ i regretted the past, dreaded the future, โ
Posted: Sat, Feb 12, 2011 09:10:35 AM
and was not too thrilled about the present.
this is one of those mornings where i can honestly say, that the reading while certainly instructive, is more about the days of active addiction and early recovery than about the here and now, at least for me. preaching to the choir about HOW this changed is not part of my desire this morning. nor is reminiscing about a time when it was impossible for me to stay in the moment. i will say this, as soon as the oblivion of that first whatever wore off, back in the day, i was worried about running out, and my life was miserable as i considered how i would get what i needed to extend the release from the real world.
what did come up? well i was struck by one of the ironies of staying in the here and now, that one of the men i sponsor kept bringing up when he was out and about between his return to imprisonment. although he had moments of active recovery for the most part he was just abstinent, while that is an interesting take on his condition, it is instructive because he read the whole concept of staying in the here and now as not planning for the future, and in his case not dealing with his past. after all, why plan or look back when the program TELLS us specifically to live in this moment. the argument i always used was that while i follow do my best to live in the here and now, i can still plan for my future and i have and will continue to work the part of the steps that put my past in its proper perspective, relative to where i am today. yes, as i write that, it feels a bit like i am doing my best to spin gold out of straw.
living in the here and now and living in the real world, need not be mutually exclusive. life in the real world requires i make plans about what i need to accomplish in my waking hours as well as set-up tasks to provide me the support i need to live. it also means that when necessary, i will dive into the treasure trove of my past experience to provide what i need to do today. living in the her and now, i integrate my past and my future into what needs to happen right here and right now. i am no longer the three in one person of the past Don, the now Don, and the future Don, i am becoming a complete person who understands what the past and future mean to me right here and right now. do i do this perfectly? not by a long shot. i can, at times make my plans and let go of the outcomes, altering those plans based on what comes down the pike. the flip side of that is that there are times when i struggle to KEEP my desired outcomes EXACTLY as i perceived them when i made those plans. most of the time i live somewhere between those two extremes, as there are very few things in life that are simply black or white. i can say, that i very rarely regret my past these days. in that respect i have moved into the ideal state. most of the time i see my past as simply that, the sum total of my experience that has brought me to this place and time.
moving forward into today. such as it is, i guess i did have something to preach to the choir after all. yes, i understand the party line here and looking over what i have written i have to admit that i do ascribe to it. although life in and of itself may be simple, it is far from easy, my only respite is allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to do IT's work, and look for what i need to do next. right now it is into the shower and off to town to get some work done. life is good this morning, and i have a bunch to do before i get to relax in front of the TV tonight. i am grateful for all that is in MY HERE AND NOW.
this is one of those mornings where i can honestly say, that the reading while certainly instructive, is more about the days of active addiction and early recovery than about the here and now, at least for me. preaching to the choir about HOW this changed is not part of my desire this morning. nor is reminiscing about a time when it was impossible for me to stay in the moment. i will say this, as soon as the oblivion of that first whatever wore off, back in the day, i was worried about running out, and my life was miserable as i considered how i would get what i needed to extend the release from the real world.
what did come up? well i was struck by one of the ironies of staying in the here and now, that one of the men i sponsor kept bringing up when he was out and about between his return to imprisonment. although he had moments of active recovery for the most part he was just abstinent, while that is an interesting take on his condition, it is instructive because he read the whole concept of staying in the here and now as not planning for the future, and in his case not dealing with his past. after all, why plan or look back when the program TELLS us specifically to live in this moment. the argument i always used was that while i follow do my best to live in the here and now, i can still plan for my future and i have and will continue to work the part of the steps that put my past in its proper perspective, relative to where i am today. yes, as i write that, it feels a bit like i am doing my best to spin gold out of straw.
living in the here and now and living in the real world, need not be mutually exclusive. life in the real world requires i make plans about what i need to accomplish in my waking hours as well as set-up tasks to provide me the support i need to live. it also means that when necessary, i will dive into the treasure trove of my past experience to provide what i need to do today. living in the her and now, i integrate my past and my future into what needs to happen right here and right now. i am no longer the three in one person of the past Don, the now Don, and the future Don, i am becoming a complete person who understands what the past and future mean to me right here and right now. do i do this perfectly? not by a long shot. i can, at times make my plans and let go of the outcomes, altering those plans based on what comes down the pike. the flip side of that is that there are times when i struggle to KEEP my desired outcomes EXACTLY as i perceived them when i made those plans. most of the time i live somewhere between those two extremes, as there are very few things in life that are simply black or white. i can say, that i very rarely regret my past these days. in that respect i have moved into the ideal state. most of the time i see my past as simply that, the sum total of my experience that has brought me to this place and time.
moving forward into today. such as it is, i guess i did have something to preach to the choir after all. yes, i understand the party line here and looking over what i have written i have to admit that i do ascribe to it. although life in and of itself may be simple, it is far from easy, my only respite is allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to do IT's work, and look for what i need to do next. right now it is into the shower and off to town to get some work done. life is good this morning, and i have a bunch to do before i get to relax in front of the TV tonight. i am grateful for all that is in MY HERE AND NOW.
∞ DT ∞