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i am not too thrilled about the present. today? well today i am okay with my present situation and quite content with my life as it is: trials, tribulations, joys and everything else that makes up my life. before i go skipping down yippy-skippy lane, i do have to say, that there are certainly a few things that i would change, if it were in my power, but having the desire to change something and living in abject misery because i cannot, are certainly two different things.
the past few days, the reading have been about being grateful for what i have, or at least that bis what i heard. this morning as i started down that track, the locomotive derailed and went a different direction. sure i am grateful for my recovery, but what i ended-up being focused on, was the personalities of my peers who were in the meeting last night. in my TENTH STEP, i skimmed over my analysis of the judge, jury and executioner behavior that colored my world, as i heard what my peers had to share. i paid the price with a bit of restlessness as i attempted to sleep and what i chose to neglect last night, became the focus of what i heard this morning. my expectations of one my my peers to own their bad behavior and make some sort of reparations, is being projected upon everyone else, including myself. the fact that i am still holding on to my anger over their assholery many days ago, indicates that there is a nerve that was struck in me, that resonates with getting to act out in a selfish and self-centered manner and walk away as if nothing at all had happened. it is jealousy and envy being camouflaged by self-righteousness, because i choose not to act in that manner, quite consciously and in the present tense, BUT i still have the desire to do so. 😭 😭 😭
as i admit my defeat in allowing myself to desire to step back in time and lose what i have, i see how ridiculous it all is and the absurdity of that part of who i am. i want to be “bad,” but i want to get away without consequences or at least any consequences that i can notice. fortunately, that ship has sailed and i can see what effect my behavior has on those around me, my days of living in self-delusion are numbered and a quick apology and walking on, as if nothing ever happened is not part of how i choose to live in the here and now.
yes i can forgive and no matter what i may have heard in the meeting last night forgiving others as well as forgiving myself are certainly activities that i can undertake. i am far from being expectation and resentment free, but maybe in another nineteen or twenty years of active recovery, i may arrive in that place. knowing who i am, right here and right now, is more important than carrying the weight of those i judge to be less than stellar. my job today is to breathe, enjoy the moment and allow myself to find out where i happen to be going, by paying attention to where i am.

∞ DT ∞