Blog entry for:

release my fantasies of the extreme expectations that shape my vision of the future, is perhaps the toughest task i have ever attempted to perform. future fVcking myself is such ingrained behavior, that releasing it to the bit bucket takes time and energy, apparently more than i have put in to this process to date. okay before i get all caught up in egocentric false humility and self-abasement, i do have to say, that most of the time, and i mean seriously most of the time, probably over 95% of my life, i am good about keeping the past in its place ➣ guilt but no shame and looking at the future as it is ➣ full of HOPE and not without pitfalls and land mines. to say i live in the moment all the time, is the flip side of that coin ➣ heads versus tails, the metal is the same ➣ solid egocentric, self-centered disregard for myself. i am, however not here to beat myself up to a bloody pulp about what i do, not to pick it apart to the point that all i leave is feathers and bones on the floor. no today, i am all about how i strive for living in the moment and how the program of recovery i live each and every day, allows me to do so. so after a brief dip into last night's Spicer skit, i am back at this. yes, every now and again i do drift off, maybe i am a bit ADD or ADHD, as i can get distracted by a squirrel or two. then again, more than likely not, just life in the moment allowed me to step back, take a break from being so serious and have a bit of fun. i am amazed that the brown-shirts are not all over this, screaming how the 48.20% that voted against needs to give their man a “chance.” ah, but i seriously digress.
back to in the moment t and living in that moment. i often wonder if living in the moment means that i do not make plans, have long-term goals or take actions to make my life more comfortable. the fact of the matter is, IF i lived in that manner, i might as well put on a hair shirt and find a cave to inhabit, that vision of living in the here and now, is almost as much of an extreme fantasy as me being elected to public office. sure, it could happen, maybe some day i may choose to move in that direction, but the reality is, living in the moment does not mean i forget what happens five minutes ago, nor stop trying to make plans for five minutes from now. no, for me anyhow, living in the moment means i draw from my past experience, the stuff i did right as well as what i did wrong, to make decisions about how to bring about the changes i desire to see in my life. i did not get my job because i sat around and prayed for it to drop into my lap. i went to school, i worked hard at learning my craft and was present opportunities when i could no longer provide for myself through my own business. living in the moment did not preclude me going to school nor did it mean sitting still and waiting for job opportunities to come knocking at my door, to save my bacon. no i wrote a resumé, made phone calls to recruiters and went on interviews all over the metro area. i was willing to accept just about any position and as a result, i am where i am today, comfortably ensconced in corporate America and getting ready for another week off in far more tropical climes. living in the moment does not mean that io rest on my laurels, either,. i have been sitting at the end of STEP 12 for a bit of time, and i am starting to get uncomfortable. instead of allowing myself to “feel” my way through to the next cycle, i am actively thinking about it and trying to suss it out. yes i am projecting my past experience ➣ figuring everything out and knowing, on the future i am seeing ➣ my next step cycle. i am starting to come to the conclusion that i am actively blocking what i need to feel, by trying to hard, and letting go of trying too hard, is still a difficult task for me. i think i know something when in reality i do not and am trying to think my way into feeling what i need to feel.
so yeah i am a nutball right now, and what i am sensing is that i need to let go about how long it is taking for this process to complete and just let the process happen as it will. it is a good day to be clean, even if i am “grounded” by being on-call for my job, but this too shall pass, and i will be free again, soon enough.perhaps today will be the day when the clouds clear and the sunlight of what i need to know will shine upon me. i will not know unless i let go and live in the moment as that stuff happens without much warning and can slip right past me if i nap.

∞ DT ∞