๐ not all that ๐ณ
Posted: Wed, Feb 12, 2020 09:49:28 AM
thrilled about the present, seems to be my my ongoing saga of tragically comedic perceptions of how the world spins, these days. this state is certainly a familiar one, as that was how i lived for decades in active addiction. when reality crept in and i saw i was not going anywhere or doing the stuff i saw those i grew up with doing, i retreated deeper a mode of “all i need is… to make my life, exactly as i want it to be.” although that extreme thinking is not generally where i go, i am still apt to fall back into that mode, especially when i feel overwhelmed, put upon or am not getting what i think i need.
this morning, after walking around for more than ten days with a storm over my head, whining about the choices i made, i finally made a decision that the only one victimizing me, was me. i was the root of my misery and even though i made conscious choices about the state of my life, i was regretting have done so. i saw what happens when one does not care about who they are and where their lives might be going and is unable or unwilling to advocate for themselves. that description fits me to a “T” these days and as i sat with a few of my Brothers of the Leaf, yesterday afternoon, a strange calm came over me, for that moment, in the haze of that cigar smoke, i saw that my life is still pretty damn good, even though six hours before i could find nothing good about it. my present tense was better than less than stellar past and certainly better than the unknowable future.
as i was zipping around the indoor track at the Rec Center, i saw that as a choice. it is true, i could have put on my snow day shoes and traipsed through the neighborhoods in the cold and dark. i could have tried to sneak a trek around the neighborhood later today, fearing that my on-call pager would go off. what i got in that moment was a sense of FREEDOM, as i was exactly where i CHOSE to be, doing exactly what i CHOSE to do and getting to mindlessly circle the track without FEAR or a sense of impending doom. that was an extension of what i heard as i sat this morning, that no matter what my life looks like in this moment, stick around, as it is bound to change in the next.
as i ease my way into work this morning, i may not be “thrilled” about my present, but i am certainly not “down in the dumps” about what i see either. today i am content and as this day progresses i will make what plans i need to make to get out and about so i am not a “hostage” in my own house.
this morning, after walking around for more than ten days with a storm over my head, whining about the choices i made, i finally made a decision that the only one victimizing me, was me. i was the root of my misery and even though i made conscious choices about the state of my life, i was regretting have done so. i saw what happens when one does not care about who they are and where their lives might be going and is unable or unwilling to advocate for themselves. that description fits me to a “T” these days and as i sat with a few of my Brothers of the Leaf, yesterday afternoon, a strange calm came over me, for that moment, in the haze of that cigar smoke, i saw that my life is still pretty damn good, even though six hours before i could find nothing good about it. my present tense was better than less than stellar past and certainly better than the unknowable future.
as i was zipping around the indoor track at the Rec Center, i saw that as a choice. it is true, i could have put on my snow day shoes and traipsed through the neighborhoods in the cold and dark. i could have tried to sneak a trek around the neighborhood later today, fearing that my on-call pager would go off. what i got in that moment was a sense of FREEDOM, as i was exactly where i CHOSE to be, doing exactly what i CHOSE to do and getting to mindlessly circle the track without FEAR or a sense of impending doom. that was an extension of what i heard as i sat this morning, that no matter what my life looks like in this moment, stick around, as it is bound to change in the next.
as i ease my way into work this morning, i may not be “thrilled” about my present, but i am certainly not “down in the dumps” about what i see either. today i am content and as this day progresses i will make what plans i need to make to get out and about so i am not a “hostage” in my own house.
∞ DT ∞