Blog entry for:

i work on living responsibly today. being present for today, what a novel concept! yes, i did sleep my way through most of my life, even in recovery, i missed so much, because i never HEARD about being present, although i was told more than once, i was seven years clean, before i started to practice this principle and this morning there is more than just a twinge of remorse over that oversight.
i do not, however, need to dwell in the past either. i can accept that is gone, i missed many opportunities and as a result i am where i am today. w where is that exactly?
well temporally i am about 30 minute late at 6:52 AM on Feb 12, 2103. physically? just west of WCR-1, Longmont, Boulder Count, COLORADO, USA and so on.
spiritually? a harder question to answer, but today i have reached acceptance about most of what has been chapping my hide over the past few days. some people will always be a$$holes, i need not give them any power, they are shallow and lead empty lives that need to be filled with control. their opinions do not matter and the shriller they scream, the less they matter in my life, after all they act out of ignorance and lack the capacity to admit they are wrong. i can be cordial and succinct, and move on with my life.
emotionally? not quite as tricky, except this morning i am not filled to the brim with anger, in fact i have moved on and need no longer seek approval from someone who lacks the ability to approve of anything outside of their narrow little world.
yes, i am insulting and derogatory to a specific bane of my recent existence, but for me that is the only way i can move into empathy, i have to attribute their behaviors to something similar inside of me, and the know-it-all, conceited, uncaring and shut-off person that i can be exhibits all the same symptoms as the person i have come to accept. for me, what pissed me off the most was not the disrespect or the attitude that i am here to serve them, no it was that i lacked any power in the situation, and the harder i tried to claim it, the harder they resisted. what it comes down to, is for me to cut-off most communication with them and allow myself to do my work without having them be a part of my conscious effort. we lack the ability to communicate and the blame is not necessarily all mine, and that is quite a leap. no longer will i kowtow or pacify their ruffled feathers and if they get butt-hurt because they are losing their power over me, so be it, they are my peer and not my boss, and it is time for me to realize that.
well that was a bit more venomous than i needed to be, and yes i could rewrite it, however, i believe i will let it stand and get ready to head out for my day job, because that too is something i need to do in the here and now.

∞ DT ∞