Blog entry for:

nor the fearful future.
so after an afternoon and evening in a powerful lesson of how powerless i really am, i tried to exercise a bit of power this morning trying to get out of the house and to work by 7 AM. well that was not to be, things and events were not to my liking, as i overslept, had to do yet another windows update, deal with drivers driving 10 to 15 miles per hour under the speed limit and no light was green when i arrived upon it. my frustration built-up to a dangerous level and the middle finger salute started to feel like a good way to vent my frustration at being so fVcking powerless. when i finally came to, and came to my sense, i realized i was reacting to all the events of the past twenty-four hours and my mindful act of doing absolutely nothing, save being there. once the absurdity of my reaction to my feelings sank in, i had to laugh, of course behaving in a toolish manner about what happened yesterday would earn me nothing but ulcers, worry and of course a diversion into something to change those feelings.
so now? well right here and right now, i am sitting at work, applying the out of cycle update that came down the pike last night and getting back to feeling my way to living in harmony with the world as it is right now.
that being said, i can get back to the reading, even though i have never drifted that far off topic. when i feel powerless, especially abut the here and now, i rerun the recent past over and over again in my head to figure out how i could have avoided getting into this state. i start planning the near future out, so i do not fall back into this state and plot and plod my way out. all of that spinning, takes me out of the moment and does not help resolve anything, except to make me spin more and more, like a pendulum, i go from analysis to planning, missing anything that is happening in the here and now and falling further and further off track. my plan for now? accept that i cannot change what happened nor can i change what will be. accepting that premise, i can let go, trust in the POWER that fuels my recovery and seek to find the harmony and serenity of the RIGHT NOW. which is exactly what i think i will do.

∞ DT ∞