Blog entry for:

...living in the present, i will notice that those times are not occurring as often as they used to. my faith will help me live just for today. the gift of the present, quite a meaty topic so early in the morning, however it is an excellent place for me to get started on my busy day. i used to think that living in the present meant not making plans, and although i kept that part of my opinion very quiet, for the time i held it, i used to think i was somehow strange in holding such a notion. well, i heard another addict say the same thing last night in an open meeting, so when i read this particular slice of wisdom this morning, i was struck by how silly that belief was for me. i seem to be focusing on my belief structure a lot these days. perhaps it is a side effect of a formal tenth step that officially was completed last night, or perhaps it is something more happening, a fundamental shift in what i believe and hold dear. i know i have a sponsee, who is currently suffering from his sponsor attacking his less than realistic belief structure, and that might also be the case, as i work with the men who honor me by asking me to sponsor them, i find my own program often goes in directions that i have no control over. be that as it may, i finally came to believe that living in the present means making plans, having dreams and working towards goals. those activities are not only desirable, but required for living in the real world. if i could cloister like a monk somewhere, perhaps i could just live in the moment with no thought about what i want to be tomorrow, or how i will maintain my lifestyle or any of the other mundane plans that i need to make to live in the world today. for me, living in the present includes making plans, taking the steps necessary to allow them to pan out, then letting go of the results. the last part is the most important, i do what i can, right here and right now, then move on. i need not meddle in, or worry about or manipulate the world around me to see them come out the way i want them to.
for me that is living in the moment, but a crucial piece is missing from my discussion here, what about my past? well, as a result of working the steps, i have put my past into perspective. my mistakes were my mistakes, step work has allowed me to see where and how i went wrong, and has given me the opportunity to change into a person who will not act in that manner and can forgive himself for his past transgressions. the shame i heaped upon myself throughout my recovery and probably throughout my active addiction is no longer present, and as i move into the present, i am more comfortable with the man i am becoming -- genuine, self-aware and whole --.
okay, the time has come to make-up for the snow and ice yesterday, so it is off to the streets i go with this thought in mind -- i am responsible for what i believe today, and i believe that i can make a plan and do what i need to do, to foster its completion at the same time let go of the results -- life is too short to live in anything but the her and now.

∞ DT ∞