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is a tough assignment for me, given my current situation. as i paid some bills this morning, i took stock in the feeling of dread i felt, as i tried to decide how much to pay and when to do it. what i ended-up doing was paying as i had planned to pay and let go of what may come. my next “big” decision, is whether or not i am going to head out to the cigar store to prep fro my tech interview next week, or just do it at home. what i DO know, is that i am going to hit the streets after pounding this little ditty out, attend my home group virtual meeting and spend several hours pounding out NODE.js training. in this minute, HOWEVER, what i am focused on is getting down in words exactly what it feels like to be living in this moment.
what does it feel like? this morning, as i sat, i kept projecting about the technical interview that has yet to be scheduled and how i could “impress the pants off” that off-shore team. when i let go of that, i cam back to how i was going to get done, what i wanted to get done today. once again, in a breath that too, was dismissed and then my Mom and her “condition” popped off the stack. the fact is, i may have to step up and treat her as if i like spending time with her, even though in this moment, i have trouble feeling empathetic for someone who is not really taking care of herself. i know most of what is going on with here, is the result of aging, BUT and yes it is a huge one, instead of accepting what is happening and laying down, i wish she would get up and fight to get better, force herself to eat, no matter what and take baby steps towards getting out of her recliner. all of her choices are dooming her to the downward spiral of aging, instead of holding it at bay. it is tough for me to accept that someone i love has decided that there is nothing they can do, to get incrementally better and that is my stuff to work on.
so before the morning gets too much later, it is time to head out into this arctic like morning and get miles under my belt. there is more to my life than worrying about what is and what may be. i CAN take action to improve myself and my chances on getting hired this week, or i can sit on my hands, play computer games and smoke cigars while watching sporting events i really have little concern about, such as golf. i choose an active path with no focus on the outcome, just what i can do today, to perhaps enhance my life, just a little bit.

∞ DT ∞