Some memes

hard i try, i cannot make something true that is not. a very strong caveat of that statement is, however, if i repeat disinformation often enough for long enough, i will come to believe it. these days, i do my best to live outside the echo chamber that social media has become and as i listen to those i encounter on a daily basis, spouting off the latest lie being sold as authentic in their echo chambers, i have to make sure i am not caught up in the same trap. one thing i am certainly grateful for, is that when i was in school, education focused on helping me to think for myself and to critically analyze the information i was given. that skill allows me to live in a world where the media and politicians constantly lie about what is going on and droves of their followers lap it up like honey.
when it comes to addiction and how i see myself, well that is a totally different can of worms. denial seemed to be my friend and the lie that i was too broken to show who i was to anyone, ruled my life. each and every time i became who i needed to be, to get what i thought i needed, another piece of my self-respect and diminishing self-esteem, got chipped off. in the end, i nether respected nor esteemed myself very much and denial helped me to survive in that house of pain. service to my fellowship was not the panacea for that issue. three trips through the steps, left that part of me untouched as my denial told me that i already had “dealt” with what happened and my reaction to that event. the freedom to come out from under that cloud and start tom live in the sunshine of who i really am, as i get to know that person, is at time overwhelming. the part of me that i call addiction, longs for the easier softer days of living a lie, as i nostalgically recall how easy it was to be aloof and separated from those around me. things were far less “messy” for me and in reality i did not care. being genuine has brought me to a place where i do care and have to fight the lies that permeate my life, at least on a very local level. that includes those i tell myself to get through each and every day.
the reality for me today, is that i am less involved in how things get done in my fellowship and more involved in actually doing something. as a result i have agreed to sponsor men that i would have never done in the past. i have come to a place that regardless of what i think, there are addicts out there, who deserve my compassion and attention, even if i am not sure that i can help them to find their path of recovery. it is not the “how” or “why” that matters. for me, it is the doing and being that is important and this human being has a lot of doing, to do. i am no less adamant in my FAITH in the program than i was three years ago, i am just less adamant at getting folks around me to see my point of view, by screaming the loudest or repeating the same trope over and over and over again. it is actions that is my trope today and in that vein, it is time to head on out for my daily workout. life does not stop when i want it to, so i might as well hitch a ride and go with the flow, just for today.

∞ DT ∞