Blog entry for:

somedays i wonder if my recovery is really a miracle
am i really an addict or do i just play one on weekends and holidays
listening to a friend share last night made me once again doubt if my problem is truly one of addiction. here is a man who has several years clean without working a program of any depth. outside he appears to happy, joyous and free and yet he has not done much except attend meetings and reamin abstinence
why was i chosen to recover instead of rotting in drug abuse and prison?
do i really need to do all the things i do on a daily basis?
am i making too much of this whole process?
this is not the first time i have had these doubts and most of the time i resolve them by taking on more side jobs, another sponsee or a new service position
this way i do not have to explore this line of thought to it's ends
i will not stop what i am doing but the fear of starting this process over again has greatly diminished in the past couple of days
i toy with the idea that i can drink responsibly and enjoy an ice cold malt beverage without going to where i was
then of course i look at my other behaviors and see the same pattern of extremes there. the evidence can be interpreted one way or another to achieve whatever conclusion i which to jump to.
but just for today i will work under the assumption that yes i suffer from the disease of addiction and i need to do what i have been doing in order to continue being a part of my life.
just for today my default setting will be the program and i will allow myself to feel my way through this
DT