Blog entry for:

may remain standing; some self-protection is only natural. of course, if i were to follow my normal pattern, here there would be a but or however, contrasting the height and breadth of my walls when i came to recovery, with the remnants that are left today. the facts are, that yes, there are still more than a few walls left and yes i was once isolated in a “fortress of solitude” that kept me not only safe from emotional harm, but also disconnected and self-absorbed, uncaring what went on in the world, as long as i got mine! it would be nice to say that those days are gone forever, gone a long time ago. here it comes, HOWEVER, i can easily slip back into isolation, especially when i feel that the world is closing in on me and life on its own terms is just to much to accept. the past ten days could certainly fit into that category, quite easily, as i am not all that thrilled to be dealing with a melanoma that requires aggressive treatment and diagnosis, instead of a quick scrape off. to counter that, i have been open with all of those who are close to me, letting them know how i feel and in on what the next steps may be.
i am hardly used to being loved and cared for, even after a minute clean. the response to my openness with my “disease”, the melanoma that is, is more than a bit overwhelming and i am doing my best to stay out of that fortress and keep my walls in the state of disrepair in which they currently find themselves. i want to worry, wallow in self-pity and victimhood, cursing my younger self for hating “hat hair” and working all summer on that perfect tan, which is more than likely the cause of my condition. the next step when i start down that rabbit-hole is to berate myself for being such an idiot and bowing to social pressure to “look good.” the spin cycle continues until i am no longer fit company for anyone but using addicts and in their company, decide that maybe a “recovery vacation,” might not be a bad idea to bury all my woes for at least twenty minutes.
when i return to my rational self, which thank goodness, happens fairly quickly these days, i see that action will not make anything better and i will be emotionally worse off. accepting what is ⇛ i got a melanoma that is at least 1.2 mm deep that requires an excision and a sentinel lymph node biopsy, is the easier softer path. when i start to worry and fret about what they may find when the next steps are complete, i lose the ability to stay in the here and now and be present for myself and those who love and care for me. just for today, i will allow others to see me when i am at my worst as well as at my best and be okay if they decide to reach out and touch me.

∞ DT ∞