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and see that i was not just **lucky**? once upon a time i bought this. i saw that my survival through the rigors of active addiction as a **sign** that some benevolent power had to be working in my life. well the cynic in me, which i have only recently embraced, no longer finds that a valid statement, and unfortunately that puts me out of the norm, when i compare myself to my peers. HOWEVER, this morning i do not care, whether was some POWER that preserved me or, what i do know, and am quite certain of, is that it is in my self-interest to be powerless over addiction and accept the power to be clean, from any source, divine or mundane. that source, i lovingly call the POWER that fuels my recovery and i have no problem deferring to that POWER most of the time. ironically, when i finally caved in to the overwhelming desire to share last night, i sent one recent college graduate, scrambling for their smart phone to look up the word cynicism. that truly makes me wonder about the state of the current education system, i mean how can someone earn a bachelors degree and purport to be intelligent and not have encountered that term across the course of their living experience. of course, they had to cross-share about what i had shared and naturally, they missed my point, which i really did not feel was obtuse, namely, for me, cynicism is part of who i am, and it only becomes a character defect when i allow myself to be defined that character trait. there is nothing inherently negative, or evil in being a cynic, that only comes when i allow myself to use cynicism to block me form the process of becoming the man i have always wanted to be.
i am certain that there is an unexplainable and indescribable POWER that provides me the means and the opportunity to stay clean. i can call IT GOD or anything else, but for me, the most important part of that POWER is that i have to be awake to get IT's gifts, as i am not a “manna from heaven,” sort of addict either. i am neither deserving nor entitled to anything at all, and my little soapbox about those who feel they need to be, is rooted deeply in the cynical part of me. that does not mean that i am somehow unworthy or less than any of my peers, it means that i choose to look at this gift called recovery as a partnership i am engaged in, with the POWER that fuels my recovery. i GET to be clean today, because i DID the deed yesterday, not because i am deserving to be clean today. if i continue to do the deed today, than perhaps i will GET to be clean tomorrow, as that is the promise of freedom from active addiction. those who believe they are divinely entitled? well more power to you, and i certainly hope that works for you. today, i believe that i work a program, apply it to my life and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to give me the opportunity to GET whatever i happen to NEED. is that a cold and zero sum way of looking at the world? perhaps, but for me it works and certainly fits into the cultural myth of pulling myself up with my bootstraps. which of course, is another part of me that i am hoping the POWER that fuels my recovery will give me the ability to accept, my buy-in to the various cultural myths that interfere with my journey of becoming. that of course, is a topic for another day, today? well today i am grateful to be on this side of the grass; to have a job that pays for my lifestyle; the ability to love and be loved; a relationship pantry full of men and women i respect and cherish and a SENSE OF DIRECTION AND BELONGING IN MY LIFE. was i spared the rigors of active addiction by divine intervention as the reading suggests? maybe or maybe not. what i do know is that i was spared, given ample opportunity to fail at recovery or just walk away and i CHOOSE to do what i NEED to do today, just for today. the hour grows way late, so it is off to work i go!

∞ DT ∞