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of the work of a HIGHER POWER in my life? to me, it is more like puzzling evidence, as the whole notion of a benevolent power, taking a personal interest in my well-being, is sort out of the spiritual path i choose to follow. it is true, that there were many times when i should have died, with a needle in my arm, behind the wheel of an automobile, or from falling hundreds of feet to the ground. is this evidence of the work of as HIGHER POWER? many of my peers would say that it is, me, well i am not so sure of that. the one piece of incontrovertible evidence that there just may be a POWER that fuels my recovery, is that i am clean, just for today and i have lost the DESIRE TO USE. being “saved” to get here, is a bit of a stretch for me, as why would i be saved, when others were not?
allowing my peers the FREEDOM to see things as they do, means that i do not have to argue with them when they speak of miracles, destiny and other divine explanations for what appears mundane to my eyes. i do know that before i surrendered and became a member, the desire to use was upon me each and every day. it is true that in that eighteen months between my clean date and that dark night in New Jersey, the obsession to use had faded into background noise, but my DESIRE to use was still a part of my 24/7 existence. i also know that once i surrendered and became a member, my obsession and DESIRE were removed and i might see that as “miraculous,” and perhaps that process was a “miracle.” these days, it does not matter to me whether or not i am “loved” by a HIGHER POWER or not. i know that i GET the power to stay clean, every day i choose to access that power. i believe that power comes from a HIGHER POWER. i do not have to go through and tight and twisty roads to arrive there and i can be okay without having to do so. i might be one of the “fortunate” few that made it to recovery and i can be grateful for that fact and move along.
as i sit on this outage meeting at work, doing nothing but listening to the client disrespect my current employer, i wonder who the fVCK they think they are. then i remember i am a short-timer here, and yes my current employer has all sorts of egg on their face, as they lack the skills to be a “tech” company and the desire to invest the money into becoming one. the lesson i am taking from all of this, is that there are many higher powers in my life, most of them being part of the profane world. is there some sort of divinity that is paying attention to my wants and needs? maybe, but i am not one of those who has to have that sort of FAITH, to move forward in my life. my FAITH is that the POWER that fuels my recovery, provides all i need and some of what i want, but i have to be present for and grab those opportunities as they arise, just for today.

∞ DT ∞