Blog entry for:

my strength comes from the knowledge that the POWER that fuels my recovery, has NOT let me down and will continue to guide me.
i have to admit, that this is one of those things said all over the rooms, time and again, that i have a bit of a problem swallowing. not that there is a POWER that fuels my recovery, and that POWER provides me the opportunity to get all that i need, no the problem i have is that somehow i was chosen by some divine force and preserved to recover. that just may be the case, but i see little evidence of that, and as a result, these days anyway, i can live with the fact that it was a chain of unlikely coincidences that brought me to recovery and has kept me coming back.
so if any of you, have been reading me over the years, you can see, that my belief structure has altered significantly, in this respect. that is the power of positive growth and the stripping away of the façade, that makes me want to say and do those things, that make me fit in. as i work through my FOURTH STEP, more and more, i am uncovering that who i am, what i do and how i put myself forward to the world around me, does not match what is going on inside. although that is comfortable and quite familiar behavior, more and more, it does not fit and if i take issue, personally with some benevolent POWER in action in my life, than so be it. that does not mean that my recovery is at stake, nor does it mean i am somehow doomed to a miserable recovery experience. it may mean that i will not find what others find as quickly or with as much surety, but what i find will be something that i can own, without reservations. part of my restoration to sanity, is to chuck off what others have TOLD me to believe and embrace what i can believe. it does not mean i am any better than or more importantly less than, those who have FAITH in a POWER with human attributes that keeps them clean, it just means that i am moving into a period of my recovery, where reliance on a POWER that can fuels my recovery, is becoming more important than ever before. as a result, i NEED to strip away the anthropomorphic trappings that society and others feel comfortable imposing on that POWER. for me benevolence implies that that POWER could also be capricious, and if that POWER can be capricious, how can i trust IT to care for my will and my life, or even restore me to sanity. the sanity here, is for me to come to an accommodation, that i can live with today. i have to believe that the path i am traveling today, is the one that will lead me to becoming the man i have always wanted to be and it is the POWER that fuels my recovery, providing me opportunities that allows that process to be revealed to me, in chunks that i can swallow and digest.
anyhow, i have probably gone on for far to long this morning, and possibly offended someone in the process. that is what it is. just remember the road i am walking need not be yours. if you find what i am saying offensive, or if what i have written makes you angry, then it may be time for you to step out of the box you find yourself in. if you read this and find yourself pitying me, please do not, as i am not some lost soul, wandering the frozen wasteland of spiritual bleakness. the structure i have come to believe in, not only nourishes and sustains me, it allows me the opportunity to grow beyond my wildest dreams and does not need any mental slight of hand, to explain the incongruous events away, things are as they are and need no explanation, justification or nationalization. for me, right here and right now, excepting this as what is, is the easier and softer way. who knows what tomorrow will bring?

∞ DT ∞