Some memes

now i have come to the crux of where my spiritual path diverges from those of many of my peers. while working with one of those peers today, i had to spoke to him, about his vision of a HIGHER POWER, in terms that i am far from comfortable with using. his view is decidedly Christian and as such, it is my job, to speak without prejudice, bias and derision about that view. when working with him. not all that long ago, i would have felt “dirty” in doing so, as i had yet to grow comfortable enough on my own path. today, it just was, and allowing myself the freedom to speak to him in the terms that are familiar and comfortable to him, creates a stronger relationship in the long run. the reality of the situation continues to be, that this fellowship dictates complete and utter freedom in the realm of what a HIGHER POWER may or may not look like, and how one approaches that relationship. that same freedom allowed me to find my path and concept and it is my job to allow those i am guiding to find theirs as well.
what this brings up, however, is this notion of GOD's plan for me and how that plan “protected” from myself during active addiction. i grow less comfortable with this notion, each and every time i stumble across it in daily readings or as topics of discussion with my peers and in meetings. the irony here is apparent, what i once accepted as fact, now troubles me. the facts are quite plain, i did survive many idiotic actions, events and situations in those days. i can even attribute my being here in recovery to a series of unfortunate circumstances, that brought me down a notch or two. how i survived is a mystery and why i survived even more mysterious, as when i got clean i had few, if any, redeeming qualities. these days i choose to leave it at that, unexplained, because more than once, i should have shuffled off this mortal coil. do not get me wrong, i am not ungrateful for the opportunity i was given, no matter how hard i tried to get out of it, i am no longer willing to attribute that survival to some “invisible hand,” for me it just is.
i can see today that the POWER that fuels my recovery does provide for my needs, and whether that POWER has intelligence in a human sense or not, does not matter. what matters and where i am going with this set of steps is learning to be present in the spiritual realm, with the same attention to detail i apply in the material world. looking at each of my beliefs and coming to terms with what that means for me in the here and now, is proving to be one of the most difficult tasks i have undertaken in my recovery journey. getting clean was a breeze, compared to this, although staying clean in those dark early days was far more difficult. i did, however, find the POWER i needed to stay clean, in those dismal moments, and even though i chose to name IT differently and approach my relationship with that POWER in a different matter, is not relevant. some POWER outside of me got ,me to where i am today, and has given me the FREEDOM to discover my own path, back into a fresher relationship with IT. GOD's will? who knows, just for today i am grateful to live in a spiritual manner and find the POWER that i need to stay clean today.

∞ DT ∞