Blog entry for:

connections with my peers in recovery as well as with my extended family has all of a sudden become very important to me. over the past few days, i have been hanging with my cousins, catching up on all the scuttlebutt that i have been missing. one of my aunts had a partial hip replacement on Thursday and another one has developed vertigo, which i know is a symptom and not a diagnosis. i chided my most “present” aunt for not keeping me informed and the realized i had done nothiing to foster that connection from my side. i now am quite sure that at least once a month i NEED to reach out to them, instead of expecting them to reach out to me.
moving on and i have been moving all day long, i may not underrstand why when i got clean, i decided to go against my conditioning and make connections with my family. where i once thought i needed to know the “why” of everything, today why i want connection is far less important than how do i maintain the connections i have built and foster new ones. as i sit here in our basement studio apartment this afternoon, holding off a nap, i see that once upon a time i derided personal connecion because i was ashamed of who i was, even if i denied that was the reason. i could blame my Mom for putting the story in my head that my Montana family did not get us, so we did not need them. the fact is, i took that shard of an idea and ran with with it, concocting all sorts of fantastical and horrible stories of what i shoud and should not expect from them.
right here and right now i am quite comfortaable with who i aam and who i may be becoming. what other may think of me, is taking less importance every single day. i am in the process of unlearning the toxic values i held dear for so long and becoming a person worthy of knowing and with whom a connection is worth the time to build. just for today, i am building a connection or three and will be okay if i just allow myself the freedom to see what may come.

∞ DT ∞