Blog entry for:

... for what they are, and what they are not!
it is true that i am clean today and that without the program where i choose to find recovery this would have long ceased to be a fact of my life. but is the fact that i had the chance to get clean and find recovery really a miracle? i am not the type that walks around looking for evidence of powers beyond my ken, nor do i attribute every good or bad thing that happens to the will of some capricious player in the sky. no i am slightly more practical and much more pragmatic than that. no it was my desire for rational explanations that almost prevented me from discovering this life i have been given. so if one is looking for miracles, and that seems to be the gist of where i am going this morning, than the first miracle that happened was the crack in my thick head that allowed for the possibility that there was more going here than i could sense. how on earth could that be interpreted as a miracle?
well as i approach the anniversary of my clean date, i start thinking about who and what i was doing in those final months of my active addiction. one of the activities i was engaging in was thrice daily meeting attendance, to add to the illusion that i was clean and willing to recover. and trust me on this, it was all smoke and mirrors, i had no desire to stay clean, much less turn my will and my life over to some superstitious construct of ignorant peasants. but i certainly could mouth the words and go on at great lengths about grateful i was that the "miracle" of recovery was part of my life. i was no more ready to become an active member of any sort of recovery that i was to chop off some body part from which i derive great pleasure. so there i was a lying, sneaky, manipulative fraud, putting great effort into emulating a person in recovery, and using whenever the hole in my bodily fluid surveillance appeared, and believing the whole time i was getting away with it. and you know what, i probably would have gotten away with it, if my body had not betrayed me in september 1997. some combination of dehydration, amount and arrogance led to be getting caught for something i had been quite successful at for months. and that event could be looked at as a disaster or as i choose to consider it a miracle. i spilled a hot UA ninety-six hours after my last use, one day longer than the window i had been using all summer long. and the truly ironic part of that whole series of events was, that i had just started to think that maybe i needed to grow out of my sham recovery and may have actually cynically prayed to a POWER that i did not believe existed to provide a way out. and that prayer was answered in the miracle of my cover being blown and the FEAR of prison being put in me. the whys and hows of getting to stay out and about in the real world and not going to prison are wrapped-up in that same miracle, and that miracle is ongoing today -- I GET TO STAY CLEAN AGAIN TODAY -- and for that i am truly grateful that THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, is an active part of my life today, providing a seemingly unending chain or miracles -- one day at a time!

∞ DT ∞