Blog entry for:

my strength to move into action comes from this belief. well i GOT to share my story last night, and as always afterwards i realized how much more i wanted to share. so that is the nature of my insanity this morning, regret in missing the great examples, the pithy metaphors and the touching moments i left out last night. if only…
well, the way i figure it as i sit here on this side is, that i must have said exactly what the POWER that fuels my recovery required me to say last night and not one jot more. which of course begs the question as to whether or not i have free will and power over my future or am i some sort of automaton that is predestined and programmed to fill out a check list of events and transformations on my way to dieing. which of course opens up quite the can of worms about the nature of human existence and the place of our species in the really BIG scheme of things. the sane thing for me to do at this point is to walk away and not look back, after all, much greater minds than mine have tackled these questions and yet there answers were unsatisfactory in the long run. i could of that, but i am not a sheep who passively goes along accepting what is fed to me and liking it. nor am i a dire wolf, who preys on such pitiful creatures. as me, i want answers and not getting them i have learned that there are things i can have some FAITH in and not have to feel as if i am just another checker on the board of life waiting to be played.
boy, i am just full of metaphors this morning, anyhow, what i am getting to is this whole spiritual side of life gig, has always been difficult for me to accept, and yet here i sit after 25 years of using, alive, kicking and with my mental facilities reasonably intact, or at least intact enough to see how mixed my metaphors are becoming. is my survival evidence of a HIGHER POWER working in my life? well that certainly is one way to look at it, as i have yet to win any real money in the lottery, i know i am not the type that is “lucky”, so unless i used up all my luck in active addiction, a HIGHER POWER caring for me and getting me to this point is certainly a viable option as an explanation. one could go crazy considering this chicken vs the egg argument and while its ultimate solution may be instructive, quite honestly, i no longer see any sanity in that debate. i have come to believe that there is a POWER that got me here, that for whatever reason i was chosen from the 15% that make up the addicted population of the human race, to have more than a dim, gray existence that characterized my active addiction. the whys and the wherefores are really just diversions from the real question of how i do this. that is what i heard this morning, that i can participate in my insanity for as long as i want to, or i can choose to come to believe that there is some sort of benevolent HIGHER POWER that has guided me to this place in my life. from that belief springs the desire to take action to foster my recovery and walk the path to becoming the person i have always wanted to be, which right now, means getting out and doing my last forced aerobic workout. tomorrow i GET to run again and you know what, taking care of myself and allowing this 54 year old body to heal through kinder and gentler exercise has not been a bad thing to do.

∞ DT ∞