Blog entry for:

i need to recognize the signs quickly and get back on the open road to freedom and growth. cogito ergo sum,(i think, therefore i am)! yes, a bit of Latin to spice up the start of this entry. first off, i must apologize if anyone thought i was doing more than a little whine yesterday. that was meant to contrast all the things i am grateful for, yesterday and today. today? well, i just whipped up a light breakfast, got some work done and made some much better coffee this morning. next on our agenda, a hike in the red rock country and who knows what else. i do know this. when we chillax by the pool this afternoon, i will be using the sunscreen a whole helluva lot more liberally than yesterday.
okay, the travelogue, is over! back to the top. my problem when i arrived, was that i thought way too much, therefore i thought i had the existence thing down to a tee. that was about all i was doing, existing. my dark and cynical side, had accepted that and had come to terms that would be my state of being for the rest of my pale existence. the lives i saw others having were never to be mine, and i would be in grinding poverty the rest of my life, trapped there by my obsession and compulsion to use. early recovery was so much worse. i had no HOPE and i believed that all that i saw was a sham act put together by the leaders of these 12 step cults to make me ignore reality and drink the Kool-Ade of eternal blissful, mind-numbed existence. not much was going to change, but if i toed the party line, i would not notice it. so instead of knowing i was miserable and using drugs to escape it, i would brainwash myself to believing that misery was happiness, so Orwellian, but remember the dark and cynical had decades to hone itself into quite a powerful weapon.
much to my surprise, i was never asked to believe anything. i was told, that IF i wanted what the others had, i WOULD have to do what they did, starting with the simple act of just not using anything, just for today. with days in a row clean, and an active program of recovery anything was possible. it is true, that for those first 13 months, i could never quite make the transition into active recovery, BUT i stayed clean for long enough to finally find THE program that worked for me and still works to this day.
that does not prevent the litany of ailments that extended clean time can engender. in order for me to continue down this path, i NEED to find a way to make my recovery fresh, yes i have to THINK if i want to do more than exist. my recovery is no longer the responsibility of those who have walked the path before me, although without their example, guidance and suggestions, i would certainly be lost. knowing that and transferring that knowledge into living that, is quite a feat, but one that i am certain i am capable of today. yes, i am going to look for a meeting while i am here. yes i am going to call my addict every day. and yes, i am going to do whatever i need to do, to stay clean today, starting with hitting the very red and dusty trail. it is a wonderful day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞