Blog entry for:

social, and general living skills by living a program of recovery. once again, as i sat this morning a common theme popped up: DESIRE. balancing my DESIRE to act out and get immediate gratification, with my DESIRE to improve my life, my health and my fitness to be a part of society, has once again popped to the top of the stack. the fact of the matter, both types of DESIRE are equally desirable to me, even after a day or three clean and the notion that came to me this morning, was why am i trying to suppress one or the other. the fact is, this is the root of my unmanageable life, these days, and while i certainly could label one “positive” and the other “negative”, the fact of the matter is that in my mind's eye, neither one is wholly good or evil, both just are. there are certain times like this, when i DESIRE to return to the simpler days, in my not so distant past, where i lived in a “black and white” world, and binary choices were part and parcel of who i am.
to long for those times is a return to insanity that was defined who i was, when i believed everything and everyone, needed to labeled, categorized and dropped into a safe box, so i would no longer have any mystery in my waking life.it is true, i have a bit of insight into who i am these days. i have a bit of insight into how a program of recovery, works for me. i also have a bit of insight into how my life functions. all of that knowledge, while quite informative does not make me any wiser and is but a drop in the ocean of what there is out there to know. classing and categorizing like a reincarnation of Linnaeus, is still something i think i have a DESIRE to do, especially when i stumble back into pretending to be some sort of intellectual.
i am a judgemental person. character defect or not, that is who i am, and when i embrace that notion, instead of denying or suppressing it, i am better of, as there is no mystery as to why i CHOOSE to behave how i do. when i recognize, i then have the choice of whether or not to act on it. the drug-a-logue the other night is a case in point. that share was not for me, and my feeling about not hearing what i wanted to hear, were not only valid but drove me to instantly place my peer in a category of the “not worthy.” my actions were to take off and say as little as possible to others in attendance, as i was certain my bias and prejudice would create an untenable situation and start a division into “us” and “them.” after a few days of “pausing” i realize that what was offered, reached others and even though it did not reach me, it was more than likely, the exact right thing, for that exact right moment. have i completed my postmortem of my reactions, actions, behaviors, thoughts and feelings of Thursday night? i certainly hope so, as i have more than enough life on my plate today.
as i wrap this up, i can see that living a program, is one of the most difficult tasks i have ever undertaken. in active addiction, not a whole lot mattered, as i “knew” everything i needed to know and could live in a world of binary choices. getting clean and staying clean are but the very first part of living a program and today, i do have the DESIRE to stay clean and live a practical and spiritual life, in the here and now.

∞ DT ∞