Blog entry for:

a road of unlimited possibilities. although, last night, it was no road that i wanted to be on. in fact, i bolted from the meeting as fast as i could, and for anyone who wanted or needed to talk to me last night, i apologize. yes, the meeting sucked for me, too many judgements rolling around in my head and far too many distractions for me to settle in and hear with my heart, instead of with my head. when i crawled out of bed, after what seems like eight short naps, my head was not in a better place, in fact, i had a severs case of the “fVck its!” as i went through my morning routine, the day felt a bit better and when i came down to writing this, well most of the bitterness and lack of spiritual fitness i felt, had vanished. my work? i think not. that certainly is the work of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and yet, the question remains, how and why did it happen? i did nothing out of the ordinary, took no extreme measure, dis not pray to have my burden removed, nope nothing special, just did what i always did, and as a result, my mood lifted and i felt better. ironically, what i was feeling last night and again this morning was a very familiar feeling, one i knew well from active addiction, that of just not caring, everyone else is wrong and in my way, so fVck y'all.
well, isn't that special!
yes, it is, because most of the time, those clouds do not settle down around me, but i am grateful that they do not last as long as they did, in the good ol' days.
back to the topic at hand, recovery as an open road. the road metaphor is one that is used often it seems to me, and unlike a car, it makes a whole lot more sense. for me, i feel as if i am on a journey, to destinations unknown. i certainly know where i came from, and i also know at any time i can turn around and take a very quick detour to return to that place, i have seen the evidence more than once along this journey. i can pretend i know where i am going, that however is just a lie i tell myself to maintain an illusion of control, the reality is, that even though there are sorts of very detailed guidebooks in the form of the written word of my fellowship, that does little to actually fill in the blanks on the road ahead. it is sort of like they spend thousands of words about the journey, but the only entry on the map is “here be dragons.” the nice part is, that i am not walking this path alone, and although there are more than a few clichés i could insert here, i will leave it at that. sometimes, i do have a bit of illumination and i get to see the land mines, before i step on them and blow myself to smithereens. that illumination comes from the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, mostly through my peers in the recovery process, so it really is disheartening that the place i most needed to hear something valuable, last night, was the place i was unprepared to listen at.
today, well today is already a better day. those who are out and about doing whatever, well them i will let go of for now. the time has come to wind this down and hit the literal road, towards my place of gainful employment. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞