๐ how not to ๐
Posted: Mon, Apr 22, 2019 07:31:49 AM
get sidetracked by complacency, intolerance, or dishonesty, is what i heard this morning as i **sat.** one of my amazing Jedi mind tricks, is to shift my focus on what everyone else is doing. as i seem to be smack dab in the middle of that lately, looking at one of my peers and one of the men that call me their sponsor, i am more than certain that i am missing out on what is going on with me.
one of the symptoms of drifting out of active recovery has been manifest in my life on a daily basis for more than a few days. where once fifteen to twenty minutes twice a day was the norm when it came to meditation, now it has become a chore and on some days, one i have the desire to CHOOSE not to do. regardless of the benefits i derive from the practice i find myself filling my mind with excuse such as i overslept, i am too tired or my favorite i just have too much on mind to settle and listen. i know, for me anyhow, that when i am centered in a spiritual sense, this activity is one i have a strong DESIRE to accomplish as part of my daily routine. when i am getting away from my recovery journey, well not so much.
this morning as i sit here, i wonder how i allowed myself to slip so far away from a state i find desirable. why am i finding distractions over which i am powerless more appealing than doing what is in front of me? i know that motivating another to seek active recovery is not a skill i have. i can be an example of what happens when one does their best to live a program, but i cannot reach into the heart of anyone else and turn their eyes to the prize. not a single one of the people in my life, family, friends or peers in recovery, could break down my wall of denial, i had to find the honesty within, to realize that what i had built up was keeping me from becoming who i wanted to be. it was my belief structure and how i used it that kept apart from my peers. that structure was buttressed in the FEAR of being the same as my peers and the lies that i was not.
where does that leave me as i get ready to wrap this up? maybe in my “down time” this afternoon, i will do a bit of reading and open my heart to putting down on paper what i already feel in my heart. i do have the ability to live differently today, thanks to my peers and what they have put down in the printed word. i have the ability to choose which road i want to take, even if i cannot see where any of them may be going. it is time to once again focus on my journey and not on the destination, just for today.
one of the symptoms of drifting out of active recovery has been manifest in my life on a daily basis for more than a few days. where once fifteen to twenty minutes twice a day was the norm when it came to meditation, now it has become a chore and on some days, one i have the desire to CHOOSE not to do. regardless of the benefits i derive from the practice i find myself filling my mind with excuse such as i overslept, i am too tired or my favorite i just have too much on mind to settle and listen. i know, for me anyhow, that when i am centered in a spiritual sense, this activity is one i have a strong DESIRE to accomplish as part of my daily routine. when i am getting away from my recovery journey, well not so much.
this morning as i sit here, i wonder how i allowed myself to slip so far away from a state i find desirable. why am i finding distractions over which i am powerless more appealing than doing what is in front of me? i know that motivating another to seek active recovery is not a skill i have. i can be an example of what happens when one does their best to live a program, but i cannot reach into the heart of anyone else and turn their eyes to the prize. not a single one of the people in my life, family, friends or peers in recovery, could break down my wall of denial, i had to find the honesty within, to realize that what i had built up was keeping me from becoming who i wanted to be. it was my belief structure and how i used it that kept apart from my peers. that structure was buttressed in the FEAR of being the same as my peers and the lies that i was not.
where does that leave me as i get ready to wrap this up? maybe in my “down time” this afternoon, i will do a bit of reading and open my heart to putting down on paper what i already feel in my heart. i do have the ability to live differently today, thanks to my peers and what they have put down in the printed word. i have the ability to choose which road i want to take, even if i cannot see where any of them may be going. it is time to once again focus on my journey and not on the destination, just for today.
∞ DT ∞