Blog entry for:

get sidetracked by complacency, intolerance, or dishonesty, is what i heard this morning as i **sat.** one of my amazing Jedi mind tricks, is to shift my focus on what everyone else is doing. as i seem to be smack dab in the middle of that lately, looking at one of my peers and one of the men that call me their sponsor, i am more than certain that i am missing out on what is going on with me.
one of the symptoms of drifting out of active recovery has been manifest in my life on a daily basis for more than a few days. where once fifteen to twenty minutes twice a day was the norm when it came to meditation, now it has become a chore and on some days, one i have the desire to CHOOSE not to do. regardless of the benefits i derive from the practice i find myself filling my mind with excuse such as i overslept, i am too tired or my favorite i just have too much on mind to settle and listen. i know, for me anyhow, that when i am centered in a spiritual sense, this activity is one i have a strong DESIRE to accomplish as part of my daily routine. when i am getting away from my recovery journey, well not so much.
this morning as i sit here, i wonder how i allowed myself to slip so far away from a state i find desirable. why am i finding distractions over which i am powerless more appealing than doing what is in front of me? i know that motivating another to seek active recovery is not a skill i have. i can be an example of what happens when one does their best to live a program, but i cannot reach into the heart of anyone else and turn their eyes to the prize. not a single one of the people in my life, family, friends or peers in recovery, could break down my wall of denial, i had to find the honesty within, to realize that what i had built up was keeping me from becoming who i wanted to be. it was my belief structure and how i used it that kept apart from my peers. that structure was buttressed in the FEAR of being the same as my peers and the lies that i was not.
where does that leave me as i get ready to wrap this up? maybe in my “down time” this afternoon, i will do a bit of reading and open my heart to putting down on paper what i already feel in my heart. i do have the ability to live differently today, thanks to my peers and what they have put down in the printed word. i have the ability to choose which road i want to take, even if i cannot see where any of them may be going. it is time to once again focus on my journey and not on the destination, just for today.

∞ DT ∞