Blog entry for:

action of sharing myself. i have to admit that sharing what i am thinking , what i am doing and how i am feelings, never seemed to be a creative action. i can say competitive sharing, however certainly was a creative action for me, as i did my very best to top what others had shared, oftentimes, bending the truth to make things sound better or worse. sharing, honestly never seemed “creative” to me, but in the context of the source material, i can see it as so.
today, i went to my home group and i shared about the issue that has been gnawing at my soul for the past ten months. each time it would rear its ugly head, i would dismiss it by saying “oh i am much better than that and after all what did i really expect?” the fact that the man who once called me his sponsor, spent two years out on the streets running and gunning, do everything wrong, except he did not use, wrote me from jail really chapped my hide. my sponse told me that my reaction was normal, after all i gave him myself and he basically spit in my face, until his ass was in a sling, then it was alright to reestablish contact with me. time and again, i would tell myself i forgive him and yet i would write little passive-aggressive phrases, buried by words or reconciliation and support. the only saving grace is he is sort of intellectually lazy and missed those digs, or perhaps chose not to acknowledge them. i have, however, reached the point where i need to be brutally honest and let him know that as a friend he sucks and as a sponsee he is lazy, without being “brutal.” now that will certainly be a bit of creative action.
right here and right now, i think i am going to march off another thousand steps, perhaps read or play a computer game, but certainly not dwell on what i may need to say. after a quick trip into work to perform a task i agreed to do, i am ready to post this little ditty and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to put the right words on my heart. as i shared this morning “turning the other cheek” is not in my behavior repertoire, i am more like “vengeance is mine” sort of person and i need to uncover a middle path, just for today.

∞ DT ∞