โ at first, just not using was more than tough enough, for me โ
Posted: Thu, Apr 22, 2010 07:36:41 AM
as i sat there, suffering under the gloom of the belief, that life as i knew it would suck forever, i watched other addicts working the steps and applying those principles in their lives, i saw that recovery was more than just not using. this whole gig, from the first day i resisted the overwhelming desire to get high, right up until this moment, can only be best described by the Grateful Dead; "what a long strange trip it's been!"
it has been and continues to be a journey, that i am now willingly embarked upon. i can hardly believe that it has been my life, and that in less than 48 hours i will be on a journey to a place that was denied me, during those first few seconds of recovery. yes, Cancun was the destination i was supposed to go with my company back when i had just barely one month clean, and as i look forward to a vacation with the woman i love, sometimes i cannot help my myself from thinking what if… i know that is a fruitless train of thought, as a HIGHER POWER, working through the powers that be, such as they were, way back when, arranged circumstances to sit my ass down in the rooms and actually recover, or start my recovery journey anyhow, after seven months of delay, obfuscation and denial. i can still feel the echoes of the anger and resentment i felt, and as i get my work polished up, as well as get the details ready to roll for my, oh so early, departure on Saturday morning, i find a sense of peace and synchronicity coming over me. this road to Cancun, is without a doubt, the best journey i have ever been on, even though this particular destination vacation has been on hold for over twelve and a half years, i am finally going to make it there, and vest of all, i will be able to enjoy it without the red haze of anger and resentment that i felt in those early days. even better, i have the capability to love and be loved these days, and i GET to share this vacation with the woman who completes my life. all of this is a direct RESULT of the journey i started with that first footfall, on that fateful day, when my math skills and my body betrayed me to those same powers that be.
truthfully, this recovery gig, is the easier softer way for me, and this trip, the spiritual journey as well as the upcoming physical one, fill me amazement and gratitude, after all, if a hope to die dope fiend like me, can make a trip to a place like this and not carry any new debt as a result, than anyone can, one day at a time. so early as it may be, i do have some stuff to get done this morning and i do believe i will move on to my next task. until next time, remember that the destination is not as important as the journey itself.
it has been and continues to be a journey, that i am now willingly embarked upon. i can hardly believe that it has been my life, and that in less than 48 hours i will be on a journey to a place that was denied me, during those first few seconds of recovery. yes, Cancun was the destination i was supposed to go with my company back when i had just barely one month clean, and as i look forward to a vacation with the woman i love, sometimes i cannot help my myself from thinking what if… i know that is a fruitless train of thought, as a HIGHER POWER, working through the powers that be, such as they were, way back when, arranged circumstances to sit my ass down in the rooms and actually recover, or start my recovery journey anyhow, after seven months of delay, obfuscation and denial. i can still feel the echoes of the anger and resentment i felt, and as i get my work polished up, as well as get the details ready to roll for my, oh so early, departure on Saturday morning, i find a sense of peace and synchronicity coming over me. this road to Cancun, is without a doubt, the best journey i have ever been on, even though this particular destination vacation has been on hold for over twelve and a half years, i am finally going to make it there, and vest of all, i will be able to enjoy it without the red haze of anger and resentment that i felt in those early days. even better, i have the capability to love and be loved these days, and i GET to share this vacation with the woman who completes my life. all of this is a direct RESULT of the journey i started with that first footfall, on that fateful day, when my math skills and my body betrayed me to those same powers that be.
truthfully, this recovery gig, is the easier softer way for me, and this trip, the spiritual journey as well as the upcoming physical one, fill me amazement and gratitude, after all, if a hope to die dope fiend like me, can make a trip to a place like this and not carry any new debt as a result, than anyone can, one day at a time. so early as it may be, i do have some stuff to get done this morning and i do believe i will move on to my next task. until next time, remember that the destination is not as important as the journey itself.
∞ DT ∞