Blog entry for:

possibilities of a life in recovery were far from evident to me, way back when. even today, after a minute or so clean, i still get stuck in a box canyon of unmet expectations and wondering whether this whole recovery gig is really paying off. i have to admit, that in the past two weeks i have left a meeting early, just because i lacked the desire to stomach the self-congratulatory, IMHO, sharing that was going on. in those two meetings, the focus of my peers was on how wonderful life is in recovery and how much “weller” that are as a result. as much as i want to find fault with them, this is my issue. my torched spiritual landscape that is just beginning to be renewed has me wanting something more than just what feel like “jazz hands” recovery. i want to hear about how recovery allowed them to overcome and gave them the desire to be something more. i want to hear about how they integrate the spiritual principles of the program in their daily lives. i want to hear vivid details of their climb to the heights they now have reached. all of which leads to one or more unmet expectation.
sitting here this morning, after having two teeth yanked from my skull yesterday, i am beginning to see that even though i am the one that needs to change his expectations, maybe i am also the one that needs to find a new place to dwell. i have moved along my path and the events of my life over the past thirteen months have shaped my world in such a profound manner, that what once i found acceptable, is no longer even tolerable. i am on a journey to uncover the identity i never allowed myself to express, much less live. now that i have acknowledged an event that happened way back when, and how it affected me, i have a path back to the open road of recovery that still includes more than a few dark and troubling moments ahead.
as i continue my long night's journey into day, i can feel the HOPE and FAITH that i have been unable to detect for the past month or so. what i heard this morning, was the notion that i am on the correct path and all i have to do, is keep doing what i know is the next right thing, even if that means dropping out of my comfort zone and finding a new meeting to attend on a regular basis, be it virtual or live. what i think i need, just for today, is a clue or three into a new perspective. i know what i once believed was my reality was all smoke and mirrors. when i find myself being judgemental and “pissy” about what i am not feeling, i will need to stop, v-breathe and allow myself the freedom to feel what is really going on inside my head. just for today, i can be better, all i have to do is allow myself to feel the light and move towards it.

∞ DT ∞