Blog entry for:

a reason to live! it is quite true, i have been writing obsessively about one of my peers and their life in the bizarre, in-between twilight world between active addiction and recovery. what it keeps bringing up for me, is a flash back to my long journey out of that existence and a bit of envy, as my peer can talk about it, instead of pretending it is not happening. me, i was and still am for the most part, way too concerned about how i appear in the eyes of others. my need to appear more than i am has diminished over time, but seems to be still part of my DNA. that need may no longer rise to the level it once did, but it still is bubbling away under the surface, not that much like the magma under a caldera, a few signs on the surface, but nothing to indicate that an eruption is imminent.

Jason S,
after much anticipation, you finally did it!
Congrats on ONE (1) year clean.
Thank you for joining me on this road of recovery.

moving on from my desires and into something more aligned with the reading, namely a life with purpose. when i speak of a meaning in my life, it is not as if i have heard the “Word of God,” or anything. or maybe, just maybe i have. after all, i no longer run around wreaking havoc, just because, nor do i feel as if i am wandering in trackless wasteland, looking for something, anything, to fill my need for instant gratification. in fact, this past few weeks has been a journey to facing my fear and changing what i show to no one. that journey out of my heart of darkness began when i got tired of living a lie, and letting what is mine to remain in the hands of others. this journey, especially lately has been about purging who i am not and celebrating who i am. i am quite sure that the meaning my life has today, has little to do with the government, social prominence or the toys i can accumulate. what i am feeling today, and maybe it is just fantasy, is that the purpose of living today, is to become more than i was yesterday. it really is that simple. i know that many want some grand purpose, such as feeding all the starving children, resisting the insanity of the latest form of government or justice and freedom from racial tyranny, and for them that is all well and good. there is certainly parts of me, who wants all of that as well. the rhythm of my recovery journey may well yet include all of that, just for today, however, seeing myself as i am, and presenting that person to others is goal enough. it may seem like that notion is “settling” and in the view of many, perhaps it is. i know that when i came to recovery and for the greater part of my journey along the road of recovery, pretending to be what i was not, was part of who i am. the choice to let go of what others think of me, or more importantly what i think i discern about what others think of me, was certainly part of my last step cycle. stepping into who i am today, is where this road has taken me.
yes it is quite true, i could return to the twilight between active addiction and recovery. i could also set up a whole secret life and live outside the bounds of my values. those are among the several paths i could take today. what i choose to do instead, is remain true to who i want to be, finish the task that fills me with FEAR and rest assured that no matter what, IF i remain steadfast in my FAITH, i will get the opportunity to get whatever it is that i happen to NEED today. on this particular damp and dank Saturday morning, where i have got quite a bit accomplished it is time to wrap this up and finish what needs to be done. i have more than enough reason to walk in FAITH, that my journey through recovery has relevance and meaning, it is not my jopb to define what that meaning may be, but to accept what comes down the pike or form withing,whichever the case may be.

∞ DT ∞