โ i was totally isolated and did not have much to live for, save for my next fix โ
Posted: Tue, Apr 22, 2014 07:53:51 AM
little did i realize that, as i began THIS program of recovery, i was stepping onto a road of unlimited possibilities. as i said last week, an friend from back in the day got in contact with me, and i met him yesterday for a cuppa, and to catch up with the years it has been, since the last time we actually spoke. when i came to recovery, finally, after months of noodling around with the idea and doing my best to look compliant, i left him behind with everyone else. he is fourth of the very few friends i had left to contact me, since i got clean and after speaking to him yesterday, i think i can reestablish that relationship. sure we used together, but he was not like me, nor was he like is deceased with. we were birds of a feather, although she like alcohol better than everything else and died of complications from her addiction to alcohol. he on the other hand, just seemed along for the ride. it was evident in our conversation yesterday, that i was either better at covering my tracks, literally and figuratively, than i thought, or he just missed the signs, because he said i was “not that bad.”
the other thing, my addict mind latched on to, was that he could not see how a beer or a toke or two would be a bad thing for me. when i said it would never be enough, he basically said, that people change, he had outgrown all of that and did not even like the feeling of getting high anymore, and seldom got drunk. in the next minute he said he was surprised by all the empty and half empty bottles of liquor he found, as he cleaned out his house, following the passing of his wife.
he really does not get it, even after his close experience with one of us. i totally get drinking myself to death, once the financial and legal consequences of drinking have been removed from life. that makes so much sense to me, that it is spooky. i also get, finding someone, i can have a beer or two with and know that i can do so with impunity, as alcohol was not really my problem. the manipulator is already working overtime on this little tidbit. so to foil the part of me i call addiction, i NEED to focus on the road of recovery.
today, i am certain i know what i am. i am also certain that i still like getting high, or if i do not like it the first time, i am sure by the third time it will feel like a very warm and comfortably numb place, that i need to see how much more i can feel. with that certainly comes the choice of where i want to go today. yes it have been over 5000 days since the last time i GOT high, but that part of me, that part i call addiction is still present and working me over this morning. today i have stuff and am capable of doing things, that i could or would not have or do, when i was in active addiction. as my friend will find out, i am not the same man who walked away, way back when. today i care and am willing to give rather than receive. today, well you get the picture. today it is time to hit the showers and head on over to work for a very long day of meeting on top of meetings, but as one of my coworkers once said, it all pays the same. so off to the real world, satisfied that i am doing the next right thing by staying clean and holding on to my recovery.
the other thing, my addict mind latched on to, was that he could not see how a beer or a toke or two would be a bad thing for me. when i said it would never be enough, he basically said, that people change, he had outgrown all of that and did not even like the feeling of getting high anymore, and seldom got drunk. in the next minute he said he was surprised by all the empty and half empty bottles of liquor he found, as he cleaned out his house, following the passing of his wife.
he really does not get it, even after his close experience with one of us. i totally get drinking myself to death, once the financial and legal consequences of drinking have been removed from life. that makes so much sense to me, that it is spooky. i also get, finding someone, i can have a beer or two with and know that i can do so with impunity, as alcohol was not really my problem. the manipulator is already working overtime on this little tidbit. so to foil the part of me i call addiction, i NEED to focus on the road of recovery.
today, i am certain i know what i am. i am also certain that i still like getting high, or if i do not like it the first time, i am sure by the third time it will feel like a very warm and comfortably numb place, that i need to see how much more i can feel. with that certainly comes the choice of where i want to go today. yes it have been over 5000 days since the last time i GOT high, but that part of me, that part i call addiction is still present and working me over this morning. today i have stuff and am capable of doing things, that i could or would not have or do, when i was in active addiction. as my friend will find out, i am not the same man who walked away, way back when. today i care and am willing to give rather than receive. today, well you get the picture. today it is time to hit the showers and head on over to work for a very long day of meeting on top of meetings, but as one of my coworkers once said, it all pays the same. so off to the real world, satisfied that i am doing the next right thing by staying clean and holding on to my recovery.
∞ DT ∞