Blog entry for:

was not something i walked into to the rooms and just **got.** i may share a bit on the dark side and i am not making any apologies for that behavior. i wonder how my peers can face themselves in the mirror when they put a **positive** spin on everything they share and go on and on about how their lives are so much better because of working the steps, even though in reality their lives are literal shit-shows. my experience when i was firmly in the “positive at all costs” school of sharing, was that the opinion of my peers was the source of my esteem and if i could get them to believe that everything was in tip-top shape in my life, than it might actually come true. i cannot speak for my peers and will not use “we” to aggregate my peers and i into some sort of homogeneous group, so whatever their motives may be are not for me to be concerned about. i share honestly from my heart and yes the steps are the answer for me but there is more to my life than walking around like some sort of recovery “Stepford Wife.”
what caught my attention this morning was the the little bit i pulled out to start this exercise. i am not a depressive type of person and other than alcohol, the types of substances i used had a tendency to take me up, rather than down. i did however feel purposeless when i entered the rooms, as i was working a dead-end job at my parent's manufacturing facility, going nowhere, very fast. i thought i was happy, as my job did not require a whole lot of creativity and my life was just a daily exercise in procuring what i needed to “make it” through that day. i did not have a whole lot to look forward to, except for those moments when i had the opportunity, desire and implements to take that really “big one.” more than once, that “big one” took me to the edge and i began to “like” looking into that pit. my purpose in life was to come as close to that edge as i could and walk away to play another day. hardly a reason to live and yet something that sustained me through to the end.
these days, my reason to live is that i like being on this side of the lawn. i enjoy having the opportunity to find the means to be creative. i have friends and people in my life that love me and make life fuller, even in lock-down, than it has ever been. i GET to choose to become more fit, physically, emotionally and spiritually. it is no longer my NEED to finds the ways and means, that is driving my walk through this day. i may not have a “special purpose” and there is not some sort of huge and noble reason for my existence today, BUT i do not require either of those, as recovery has made me comfortable in my own skin. living an active program of recovery, is a reason for this addict to have the desire to walk once more on the sunny side of the lawn and not buy my death, one fix at a time, just for today.

∞ DT ∞