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there is nothing more natural than to dream of using drugs. frightening as they are, they can prove to be great blessings -- if i use them to reinforce my recovery. well before i launch into this topic, one more out of my rut sort of day for me this week. in fact, this is becoming the norm rather than the exception, i am beginning to think that this is some sort of cosmic design to jar me from my quite well furnished rut and propel me into something new. but such theosophical discussions are not what is on my mind this morning, so i will leave that topic for another day.
it is a bit ironic, that one of the members in the meeting i was at last night was talking about using dreams. we only meet every other week, and he said he only had using dreams the night before our meetings. although we assured him it was normal, after all, using is the normal routine for an addict like me. it was part of my daily rut, and it was a rut that i exerted as much power as i had to keep it exactly the way it was, day in and day out. of course in the long run, i ended up not having any power to keep my rut going and using dreams, were my only escape as i went through the horrors of early recovery. not being one of those to experience a "pink cloud," i found using dreams to be a perfect foil to reality, back in those days. i never woke-up feeling guilty or angry, i just woke up and faced what seemed to be the grinding succession of days of abstinence, cravings and the incessant chatter of the part of me i call my disease. not a pleasant way to spend those days, in fact, had things not changed for me, i would not be writing this today, as i would have left the whole recovery gig behind.
so enough of the sordid past, in the here and now, i cannot remember any using dreams that i have had recently. that does not mean that i have not had any, it just means that they are currently below the threshold of my consciousness. i do know that as a general pattern of late, when i do remember one of these dreams, i wake up pissed-off, as i use in the dream, but fail to get high. the thought is that i threw away my recovery to chase something that did not happen so what the fVck! i believe that is my recovery in action, as i am quite certain , that if i used i would either get high or die, i am that kind of addict, and i know that i would not stop until one or the other event occurred. but anyhow, the internet is about to go away for the day, so i better get this posted and get through my workout so i can get some work done before i go into the dark. it is another good day to recover!

∞ DT ∞