ยฟ what stands between me and a real, live relapse ?
Posted: Tue, Jul 17, 2012 07:41:46 AM
the steps and living a program, although that sounds a bit thin, it is what i have to work with, that is all i need, oh yeah the guidance and the gifts that i receive from the POWER that fuels my recovery.
before i launch into my annual blog about using dreams, my life was touched by death yesterday and those events set up a bit of a cognitive dissonance, as my friend Rebecca once said.
a former member, Royce, passed away after a brief but intense battle with cancer. it is sad, because he walked away from the rooms, and did not maintain any relationships with us, so we could not be there for him. it is what it is, and i hope he has found some peace and freedom from the devastation of his disease.
Odin's “big” sister, Ember, also passed away yesterday, after a trip to the vet, taht revealed that she too, had hidden health issues. i understand the fine in the morning, death in the afternoon gig, when it comes to dogs, but i still have trouble accepting that i will never again experinece the joy, taht yippy little fuzzball greeted me with every time i came to her house.
i remember when my sister brought her home. she was so tiny, and looked like some sort of walking toy. the first words out of my mouth? “now i need to get a real dog!” Odin then came into our household, and my sister, her girls and our dogs, were the pack for several years in our green house on the hill. we could never put a collar on her, because Odin would pick her up and carry her around like she was one of his toys. he did that the first day i brought him home and she never forgave him for that, in fact, whenever she caught him doing something he should not, she would bark and tattle on him. the two of them were quite a pair.
the cognitive dissonance? i have stronger feelings for Ember than for Royce, and it just feels wrong to me. i guess have to accept that Ember was a part of my life, even though i left the pack years ago. Royce, just barely touched my life, for the few years he was around. as much as i may desire it, i cannot control my feelings and barring a relapse, i will not even try, so accepting what i feel, is the way to go.
Godspeed, Royce and Ember, i hope you have found freedom from the pain and suffering that is part of this mortal coil.
using dreams? yes i have them. the irony is that the sponsee i was working with last night, told me about one of his, and his big concern, in his dream, after he used, was the legal consequences that could ensue, if he did not get away with it. i cannot remember the last time i had a using dream, although it probably was not that long ago, but with this one my mind, i will probably have a doozy of one tonight. it is amazing that during the darkest part of my FOURTH STEP, i had the desire to change how i was feeling, but did not consider using and do not remember a using dream, when logically it would have been the most likely time for one to pop into my consciousness. speaking of my step work, i am just waiting to hear back from the sponse, so i can do my FIFTH, and there is no anxiety or pressure building up within me, as i await his return call, which i also find a bit out of the norm for me.
with all this outside of my box behavior going on, i can only come to the conclusion that i am not who i think i am and that new person will be revealed as i continue my step work, which is spooky and exciting at the same time.
so wothout further adieu, i do believe i will wish you all a wonderful day and remind you to tell those you love how much you do, life is impememnt and can be capricious at times, so you never know…
before i launch into my annual blog about using dreams, my life was touched by death yesterday and those events set up a bit of a cognitive dissonance, as my friend Rebecca once said.
a former member, Royce, passed away after a brief but intense battle with cancer. it is sad, because he walked away from the rooms, and did not maintain any relationships with us, so we could not be there for him. it is what it is, and i hope he has found some peace and freedom from the devastation of his disease.
Odin's “big” sister, Ember, also passed away yesterday, after a trip to the vet, taht revealed that she too, had hidden health issues. i understand the fine in the morning, death in the afternoon gig, when it comes to dogs, but i still have trouble accepting that i will never again experinece the joy, taht yippy little fuzzball greeted me with every time i came to her house.
i remember when my sister brought her home. she was so tiny, and looked like some sort of walking toy. the first words out of my mouth? “now i need to get a real dog!” Odin then came into our household, and my sister, her girls and our dogs, were the pack for several years in our green house on the hill. we could never put a collar on her, because Odin would pick her up and carry her around like she was one of his toys. he did that the first day i brought him home and she never forgave him for that, in fact, whenever she caught him doing something he should not, she would bark and tattle on him. the two of them were quite a pair.
the cognitive dissonance? i have stronger feelings for Ember than for Royce, and it just feels wrong to me. i guess have to accept that Ember was a part of my life, even though i left the pack years ago. Royce, just barely touched my life, for the few years he was around. as much as i may desire it, i cannot control my feelings and barring a relapse, i will not even try, so accepting what i feel, is the way to go.
Godspeed, Royce and Ember, i hope you have found freedom from the pain and suffering that is part of this mortal coil.
using dreams? yes i have them. the irony is that the sponsee i was working with last night, told me about one of his, and his big concern, in his dream, after he used, was the legal consequences that could ensue, if he did not get away with it. i cannot remember the last time i had a using dream, although it probably was not that long ago, but with this one my mind, i will probably have a doozy of one tonight. it is amazing that during the darkest part of my FOURTH STEP, i had the desire to change how i was feeling, but did not consider using and do not remember a using dream, when logically it would have been the most likely time for one to pop into my consciousness. speaking of my step work, i am just waiting to hear back from the sponse, so i can do my FIFTH, and there is no anxiety or pressure building up within me, as i await his return call, which i also find a bit out of the norm for me.
with all this outside of my box behavior going on, i can only come to the conclusion that i am not who i think i am and that new person will be revealed as i continue my step work, which is spooky and exciting at the same time.
so wothout further adieu, i do believe i will wish you all a wonderful day and remind you to tell those you love how much you do, life is impememnt and can be capricious at times, so you never know…
∞ DT ∞