Blog entry for:

comes resilience, or as i thought when i first saw this headline, WTF are they talking about? time and again, throughout my recovery journey, i have stumbled over more than one of these sort of ideas that seemed slammed together in a willy-nilly fashion, then needs all sorts of tap-dancing and jazz hands to make them fit. as i read through the source material and sat and listened, i finally saw that what i thought were disparate concepts, actually did fit well together, without any tricks and plenty of treats. as i sat here attempting to write this little exercise, i got caught up in an installation of a program and the lack of space on my main drive to install it. now i am way behind schedule and wondering what i may need to do to correct this issue. for now, i will just continue with my day and see what happens as i move forward.
okay, some of the time, i get “saved” by my machine. all the install work i am doing, “froze” my computer and i lost where i was going. that is okay, because i can see now i was going into a “rah-rah” dead-end, as i have done more than once recently. i can see after a bit of consideration that the state i find myself in after fully owning STEP One “hopeless and dopeless,” can only be resolved by working STEP Two. i can also see that coming from that state into a place where i can see a bit of HOPE, does provide me the inspiration and yes, resilience to bounce back into the real world, even if things are not going my way, such as this morning, as i started writing this an hour ago and have yet to finish, putting down into bits and bytes what i am feeling.
looking to align what came up with what i read, is something that i often do, especially when i get jarred off my high horse. that is what i mean by “rah-rah” as there has been many times when i found HOPE, but did not feel resilient at all and was ready to pack this whole gig in. i am still more than a bit self and over entitled. there are times: minutes, days and yes even months, when i feel that this recovery stuff is not worth the effort, because i cannot see any reward. i tell myself that each day clean and having the choice to live this day clean is reward enough, but it just does not feel like it is enough, because like any good addict i want more. that “more” is quite undefinable, even on my best days, so i feel i have to “settle” for just another day clean. the simple fact of the matter is that is the part of me i call addiction echoing any doubts i may harbor about whether or not i am really an addict, after all those who are not addicts, do not ask theme=selves if they may be one 🤨
moving into a place of HOPE, i can see that all that i do is not only colored by addiction, but also by my recovery process and that process provides me the ways and means to reach for resiliency, even when i do not perceive that i have the ability to do so. it is only the HOPE of another day clean and getting all that i may need, if i am paying attention, that keeps me rolling on this path of recovery. the boulder i am pushing up the hill today, will be up and over the crest and i will get to take on a new one, tomorrow. right here and right now, it is time to hit the streets and take care of my physical self, before i run out of time and it gets too hot. i do have a bit of HOPE today and certainly, “hope” to find the resiliency i may need to make it through today.

∞ DT ∞