Blog entry for:

for manipulation, shadiness, and flat-out denial kept me rolling through the my years of active addiction and through those eighteen months of mere abstinence. i have to pause here for a minute, as that statement may be misread by someone. when i speak of **mere** abstinence, i am not discounting my clean time, it is just a term i use to signify that while i was clean, i was not doing any real recovery work, equivalent with the term “dry drunk” from that liquid twelve step fellowship. i call out that part of my recovery journey because even though i was not using substances, i was still as sick as ever and walked through my days fronting recovery when at heart i was never, ever going to stay clean past the date i got freed from the justice system. i use that term only to describe my journey and would never use it as a judgement for anyone who is clean.
that long minute ago, when i actually got a sponsor who was a member of the fellowship that has given me this new life and decided that maybe the steps and working them honestly and diligently was something i had the desire to do, things changed and i needed a way out from the despair i felt, as i stumbled out of my haze of self-will and denial. i wished for a better life, back in those days, but never hoped to find one. when i worked my first honest second step, i caught a glimpse of what was to be and that HOPE was more than wishful thinking or projection. form that first glimmer of HOPE that there was something better inside of me, through my last fifth step, i have learned to have FAITH that the program will ,provide me a path to uncovering and revealing who i am and where i might be going. i may not feel the despair i once did, but lately life has thrown a few curve balls my way and there are times when i have been ready to hang up on this recovery gig and see if there is better living through chemistry.
time and again, as i get to that point, it is the HOPE that everything will be okay that keeps me clean. i have yet to die from a feeling. i have good medical insurance a dedicated team of doctors and an unparalleled system of support. things may get darker, the cynic in me keeps going to that point, or this may be a one and done kind of deal, HOPE keeps me coming back to that one. just for today, i will do what i need to do, live in a moment of HOPE and let things unwind as they will. there really is no point in dwelling in the house of pain created by my anxiety of not knowing what the end results of opening the black box of my melanoma will be.

∞ DT ∞