Blog entry for:

using dreams? perhaps, but first a joke, even though this is no joking matter:
a ROMAN walks into a bar and holds up two fingers and says, give me FIVE beers.
if one thinks about it, the joke is pretty obvious, and recovery, at least in my experience, is nowhere as difficult as trying to figure out why that joke may be funny. understanding that joke may three things, first a DESIRE to figure it out and not just dismiss me as a wise-ass. secondly the ability to form a picture in one\''s mind about the situation as described (✌). finally a bit of knowledge of ROMAN culture. without any of those three, one would probably walk away shaking their head, probably thinking i am insane.
recovery only relies on two things: the DESIRE to stay clean, and applying the common knowledge of those who have gone before me in my life. of course, the devil is in the details. using dreams may very well indicate that there is a “hole” recovery, or they may just be a stark reminder that no matter how many days clean i get, i am still an addict. relationships, family, status symbols, religion, money, respect or social acceptability can and does not change that fact of my life. i can arrogantly spout off about how my FAITH in the program of NA keeps me clean and i will never use again, but unless i am living that FAITH, it is just hot air and a waste of oxygen. the literature does say that there is “no model of a recovering addict,” and i have seen more than one of my ex-peers, use that as a loophole, to design and work their own sort of recovery program. been there, done that, still got the 'T' shirt.
so what about busing dreams and why should i be grateful for them? for me, and of course i am not speaking for anyone else, using dreams ground me back in the reality of what i am, an addict in recovery. over the course of the years they have changed. once upon a time, i never used in my dreams, someone or something would stop me just before i consummated the act. these days, when i have a using dream, i almost always not only perform the act, but i feel like i did that very first time. there is no shame in the dream and when i wake up, i am startled by the notion, that i actually liked the feeling. after discussions with others, what i take it to mean, is that not only am i an addict, but the the fantasy of twenty-five years of using, is still alive in my head. the story, if you will, that somehow i can create that magical feeling of the first time, even after failing to do so for a quarter of a century, is a story that still rolls around in my head even after more than a few days clean.
the next question then becomes, what the fVck do i want to do about it? i can try and puzzle it out, or i can return to what i know and where i place my FAITH today, the program of recovery that has been given to me by my predecessors. checking through my daily recovery routine and my dedication to remaining a member of the “No Matter What Club,” am i still doing what they suggested i ought to, or have i allowed “real” to take over? simply put, i have to remember that IF i want what others have, i still have to do, what they did, regardless of how hokey that stuff may seem, how full i have made my life or how well i am doing by all external signs.
using dreams may just be a reminder of who i am, or may indicate that i am slipping into a relapse. what i do about it, is totally up to me. for me, it is a moment of introspection and brutal honesty and if i do not feel comfortable about what i discover, there is a path back, it is up to me to choose it. after all, just for today, i can be recovering or recovered, it all comes down to the details.

∞ DT ∞