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I DO! A DIRECT RETURN TO THE HORRORS OF ACTIVE ADDICTION!
that is not hyperbole by any means, the outward signs may not manifest right away nor would i lose all my material gifts after a single use, BUT I WOULD lose all the recovery i have, especially the emotional and spiritual strides i have made.
back to that in a bit, what bis on my mind was how my day was bracketed by calls from addicts. one who is a close friend, but have always treated like my little brother and one i would rather never have any contact with EVER AGAIN! the first relationship i made the first offering to change into something more like the friendship i feel rather than what it has been. the second i made sure had no reason to ever cross my path with purpose again. as to the outcomes of those actions? well that i leave in the quite capable care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. in this world of uninterested consequences that is the best i can do. does the addict who called and texted me last night owe me an amend? well last night i thought i was being dishonest when i told him that.after some time to actually consider what he did and what if any harm it did to me, it was the actual truth.honestly his behavior was damaging to him and ended-up actually helping me. besides it is not my job to state who the fVCk owes me an amends, that is between that person, their HIGHER POWER and their sponsor. my job is to listen when they come forward and forgive them if i can.
as i warned you this has little to do with the topic at hand. these two addicts are as different as black and white, one is just returning from a relapse and one, well who knows, he has not been working a program for over two years and the only reason he may still be clean is because he was a guest at the Boulder County Sheriff's Bed & Breakfast. one may want recovery and the program offered by the fellowship i call home, the other, i do not know, based on the voice message he left me and this unwillingness to talk i would say NOT. i could quite easily be, either one of these addicts. i have known them for some time and had the honor of watching walk through their life. it is NOT however, them as an object lesson that is keeping me from using that first drug. when you have been in recovery for as many days as i have, one gets to see lots of object lessons about what happens when an addict in recovery stops… and picks up again, and that is just the tip of the iceberg, there are lots who have come and gone and never come or make it back. no i have dealt with that sad fact of life a while ago. no what i heard as i looked back over my day last night and again this morning in my quiet time as well as in my run, was that yes i am POWERLESS over my addiction and my life IS unmanageable, BUT if i come to believe that i may be restores to sanity, THAN the only logical conclusion is to turn that unmanageably mess that i call my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. what those two show me so clearly is where my living in self-will can take me, if i stay there instead of moving beyond. i can use again for that first time, and you know what it may even be fun for 2.2 seconds or i can turn my back on the program and NOT USE and see where that takes me -- into the psycho ward i am pretty sure, unless the taste of gun oil in my mouth ended up looking more attractive to me.
okay, that was a pretty dark turn, so i think i am reaching the end of what i need to write about this morning. i did not have a using dream last night or to the best of memory not for quite some time, that does not mean that i am working a perfect program or that i ma cured, it just means i do not remember having a using dream. do i really need to have one, to examine my program and look to where it may need a quick patch or perhaps even a major renovation? NO I DO NOT. I CAN AND WILL LOOK TO WHAT I AM DOING, and HOW I AM FEELING and see if there is room for improvement. i know that i will find that like always there is. so off to the back yard to enjoy a smoke, get some work done and be at peace that just for todaay, i can be more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞