Blog entry for:

seek ways to strengthen my recovery.
so 366 days ago, Ember a dawg shuffled off this mortal coil. i had forgotten all about that event, it being dwarfed in scale with the recent death of our dawg Lucy, but as i sit here and allow myself to feel, i see that i want to feel today and not be an emotional sinkhole, that makes all that happens within and without, disappear into oblivion, without affecting me in some way.
which brings me, more than a bit clumsily into what i heard this morning as i took the time to listen. the past few weeks i have been very silent at meetings, in fact i do not believe i have shared once, since Lucy dies. that may be a reaction to grief, or it may be something else. anyhow, i was all ready to share last night and it ended-up that the meeting ran late because someone else took us hostage and prattled on about absolutely nothing and how recovery is so fVckin important but they lack the courage to cease their drug replacement therapy. then i came home to a text that someone close to me, who i also see on a professional basis had went out and now i am wondering WHAT i will need to do next. i knew they were one the edge and the news, while shocking, was hardly surprising. what these two examples show me, is that where i could be. prattling on about this and that, but denying the basic facts of life, or slowly sinking in the morass of active addiction, where relapse seems not only a viable, but attractive alternative, regardless of the consequences. and so it goes…
where all of these semi-connected thoughts are leading i am not sure. oh i tell myself that silence is part of my grieving process and i will share when i am ready. i tell myself i have gone through quiet periods before and this is just another growth phase of my recovery. i tell myself, that i am hanging with my bros, calling them daily and participating in the social aspect of the fellowship, so i do share with people who actually want to hear what i say. i tell myself, i do not NEED to take a meeting hostage, while i prattle on about generalities and stuff i said time and again, while doing nothing about addressing it. all of this is just telling myself lies, as now that i think about it, i DO NOT want to appear weak and feeble, and expressing what is going on inside is certainly being vulnerable, and way back when the equation went vulnerability equaled weak and feeble.
anyhow, i have decided that just for today i will not use. just for today i will allow myself the freedom to be who i need to be. and just for today, well that remains to be seen. i will call my friend and let him know that i love him and offer whatever assistance he may need today. most importantly i will examine where i am straying in my commitment and redouble my efforts to walk the path i have been put upon. it is certainly a good day to stop lying to myself and wake up to smell the coffee.

∞ DT ∞