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am i to using today? certainly, always an excellent question for someone like me, who has been clean for a minute or so. the thought of using does not crop up very often, but i do find myself noticing things such as the location of every legal purveyor of a substance that i once enjoyed using on a daily basis. as much as i would like to think that i have this “down” and that i am “good to go” i know that is all a story i tell myself to separate myself from my peers and the recovery program that i share with them. of course it is not as if i say that maybe today is a good day to use. no the part of my i call addiction is far more insidious than that. that part of me whispers that i am “different” now that i have decades clean. that part of me tells me, that my peers have nothing to offer me, save drama and trauma. that part of me insists that as a part of society i NEED to exercise my rights and check things out.
yes,l i still have “using” dreams. the way i look at those dreams, is a reminder that the story that somehow i can use successfully today, is just a fantasy. i am quite sure that the other 85% do not have “using” or if they do, they are an odd occurrence. i am instantly different than that other 85%, because i DO have these dreams or elements of using as part of other dreams on a fairly regular basis. it is just a fact of my life as an addict. even though i may not have the desire to use, or even thoughts of using, does not mean that the part of me i call addiction has been removed from me. it is what it is and i look forward to how my peers are going to share about this reading at tonight's meeting, if i get the opportunity to be there.
'nuff said about dreams, as i sat this morning, there were dozens of ideas that floated to the top of my head. most of them were all about what i need to do today, at work and at home. often when that happens i get pissed off. this morning, my reaction was a definite “meh,” which was quite surprising to me. i am sure, that most of what that is about, is that the whole topic of using dreams has been gone over time and again. the reality is, i have them, they have not gone away, so when i sit, other topics take precedence and need to be popped off the stack. what i did “feel” as i started my day, is that i am still playing the part of a victim when it comes to work. sure they pay me well and the work is not bad. i can do my job and i get to use my brain. and yet, there is something missing for me. maybe it is the fact that i just do not want to work. i want to live a life of ease and comfort and not have to have money coming in. there are a hundred possible reasons for this cyclical dissatisfaction with my job, and none of them are even worth the time it takes to list them. what i felt this morning, was a bit of acceptance over what i do have and a momentary release of my DESIRE to have what i do not. as this day goes on, maybe it would be a better idea for me to focus on what is, rather than what has yet to become, after all, i can only live in the chain of “nows.”

∞ DT ∞