Blog entry for:

me of the insanity of active addiction and providing the impetus i need to look at my program. no using dreams for me last night, or anytime in the past few days, i count myself fortunate to be in that boat. HOWEVER, more than likely, tonight i will have a humdinger using dream and wake up in some sort of state. so it goes, with familiarity comes all sorts of stuff. i am grateful that this morning, i am on the path of recovery and part of that path is not drowning any feeling i have, in a behavior that i have always done.
what i heard this morning, is that there is something unpleasant i need to say to someone and sugar-coating it, will not work. as the king of rationalizations, i want to let it slide, and every time i go there, i get a creepy feeling in the pit of my stomach, i want to let it slide and hope that doing so, i remain likeable. ah the rationalization goes sort of like this:

1. say nothing about their behavior
2. let them spin down in desperation
3. be there to pick up the pieces
4. after all, it really is not my stuff and if i say DO NOT, they will NOT respect or like me.
5. my ego is saved, and there is no “i told you so” to be had.

been there done that, and i feel like i lose either way. two of my peers i once said the exact same thing to, are out there using, running and gunning and waiting for the next trip to the Boulder County Sheriff's Bed and Breakfast. at the time, though i presented it as an ultimatum, and i have grown since then, so telling someone, that every time they are about to have a feeling they jump in with both feet to a very familiar destructive behavior, and rationalize it away. just for the record, SIX MONTHS clean,is still a newcomer, and hardly have had the opportunity to actually get to know who they really are, and i think i will leave it at that. my struggle this morning, is what, if anything do i say, to pop my peer's head out of their ass and get them to see, that they are acting out just as if they were using. substitute the name of one' drug of choice into what one did all weekend and what does that look like?
where does that leave me? well i am of the mind this morning of don't ask, don't tell. i will head on off to work, hit a meeting out of town tonight and let the world spin in its merry way, with no effort on my part. soon enough i will have the proper opportunity and circumstances to say what i need to say, and that time is not now. today the time has come to let go, not worry about what, when and where to say anything and just do the next right thing, which is showering shaving and heading into work. oh yeah and not acting out on my desire to be everything to everyone, just for today.

∞ DT ∞