Blog entry for:

of a 12 step fellowship, then i am ready to move on to the next step toward a life free from active addiction. yes, i know, there were a few more questions on that list, and although they are all great questions for me to look at, what jumped out at me, this morning was the question about whether or not i accept in my heart that i am an addict. not a drug addict, or an addict of some sort, or a grateful recovering addict, or any one of an infinite number of modifying adjectives. the question i have to contend with, is the simple one posed in my headline, and this morning i have no problem accepting in my head, my heart and in the very core of my being that i am an addict. so why am i on the soapbox this morning about being some sort of addict? well for one, i am working with a FNG who is struggling coming to terms with that very concept. he mouths the words, he thinks he is an addict, but when it comes to owning that label on a level that touches his heart and soul he balks. who does that remind me of? myself of course, and things being cyclic as they are, i see in my new sponsee the same resistance i had, when i was going through august of 1997. i was still getting away with using. it was still working for me. my denial structure was so strong, that i was nowhere close to a spiritual or emotional bottom. most importantly, i still could get high, and because there were brief periods of abstinence, enforced by body fluid monitoring, my resistance had gone way down and i could get higher for less. the biggest bonus of all was the thrill of getting away with it, and it that august, i could see no end that particular phase in my life. as long as i appeared to be in compliance, as long as i kept my body fluids free of the signs that i was using, as long as i showed up at treatment, i figured that this bit of near abstinence would pass, and i would be able to return to my previous life, with a few enhancements.
but of course that was not to be, and i am grateful that it was not. back to thew original topic after my walk down euphoric recall lane. so as my FNG struggles with coming to terms with the question posed in the reading, i have to sit back and let him reach the emotional and spiritual bottom that he needs to reach. for me, the answer to the question is an unqualified yes and it leads me back to the doors of the fellowship that has given me a new manner of living, again and again. for this is the only place that i have found acceptance and a group of people who understand me the second i open my mouth. so am i an addict/ i am, and today i am an addict who chooses to recover in the only fellowship that is not substance or behavior specific. this fellowship provides me the means to survive and thrive one day at a time, without the need to use or abuse anything, anyone, or myself. and for that i am thankful. so off to the showers and into a day full of living.

∞ DT ∞